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AJ's Rants

So time for a little personal information…you know you love learning these exciting insights into my world….and what better than personal information right?....so you know how most women are right? (wow…totally wacko questions…way too general…of course you don’t know anything about how women are  ..if you did, you would run screaming from this world…..start a small “men only island”…where the idea of women do not exist….wait..those exist already…they are called Golf Courses….but I digress…) So most women need quite a bit of time to get ready everyday…some women actually wash, dry & curl their hair every single day..(who does this shit?...who has the time?)….I actually took a trip to Ireland once with one of my bartenders….she needed 2 hours before we could go ANYWHERE so she could do her hair and makeup everyday….every…fucking…day….(I shit you not)….I said ‘listen…we don’t know ANYONE here…no one…no one here knows you…why the hell do you need to do your hair and makeup for us to take a trip to the damn Blarney Stone?”….Seriously..there are lots of women on the planet that are like this…I truly do not understand….who has an extra hour or two every single day?...but…(and there’s always a but…).I do have this little girlie thing about me….hair?...who cares…luckily the messy look works well for me…makeup?...I can hide yesterdays makeup under my fake glasses…but there is one little thing about me….eyelashes….you will never catch me without my eyelashes…(Walgreens..$2.99 all day everyday)…they are my superpowers….I can make any bad hair/bad makeup day work as long as I have my eyelashes…it is EXTREMELY  rare you will catch me without my eyelashes….hell I shower with the damn things on…I ride motorcycles with the damn things on…I do everything with my superpowers and let me tell you why….take note…this is important….pay attention….you do not want to talk to me EVER if I don’t have my eyelashes on….I lose my charming personality…seriously…hard to imagine right?...me ?...without my charming personality?....ahhh…but its true….I invite you to step back in time with me…lets go back 2 weeks…I get up in the morning and both my eyelashes are hanging off and I decide to just yank them off and go to work…its 6am…who the hell is gonna see me anyway right?...I’m wearing my pajamas (no biggie…I do this everyday)..my hair is a mess (totally normal)…my makeup is smeared (is there any other way to wear makeup?)…and I’m working…next thing I know..its 10:45 and my son says ‘we have customers”…(Customers?..its like 8am right?...how the hell do we have customers at 8am?)…and now 2 delivery guys are standing at my desk waiting for a check….I look at the clock and sure as shit its about 10:47am and I have NO EYELASHES ON AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE…..I sort of keep my head low as I write a check…and definitely keep my head low as I go out and greet my customers…I’m pissed…where the hell are my employees?...the schedule CLEARLY says 10:30am….(AM Bar & AM Server 10:30am…I know cause I WROTE THE DAMN SCHEDULE)…my son is taking lunch orders and I take a look around…..you know the “look around” I’m talking about….you know how comfortable it is to live quietly in anonymity…I was raised with 4 brothers..trust me I know…but when something pissed off my father..he would look around…you never ever wanted my father to look around because everybody was in trouble then….so yeah..its 10:51am and I decide to look around….I don’t like the way the bar is stocked…I don’t like the size of the kitchen order I just wrote a check for…I don’t like the facial hair on my sons face…my son and my employees are doing everything they can to avoid eye contact with the insane crazy woman…I’m yelling at anyone who will listen…yelling at the delivery guys.(this order is way too high!..I don’t need this much beer..why is this order so high?....like the delivery guys have ANY SAY WHATSOEVER in what is ordered for this bar)….yelling at the kitchen guys(wings are too high!...are we price checking?...do we NEED wings?)…yelling at my food supplier, yes, I actually picked up the phone and called him (I know wings are f**cking highway robbery around Superbowl but this is f**cking ridiculous!  The f**cking Superbowl is over!  Why the hell am I still paying Superbowl prices?!) …yelling at my bartender who is not there…(“oh I got it…take your f**cking time…)…yelling at my server who is not there…(“no really…I enjoy writing a schedule for NO GOOD REASON”!!)…..My head begins to spin…I resemble something similar to the exorcist….my employees begin praying…my delivery guys hide in the walk in….I look at my son….he makes the terrible mistake of making eye contact with me…he realizes his mistake a second too late and I yell “I’M LOSING MY F**CKING CHARMING PERSONALITY HERE!!!”….and much to the delight of everyone within a 20 ft radius of me I storm outside to have a cigarette…after about 15 minutes my son ventures outside to check on me…probably more like..”you go..hell no, I’m not going anywhere near her…she won’t actually kill you..you’re her child….wow, you don’t know my mother…somebody has to go…” then they unanimously threw my son out the door to check on the beast….he walks up to me and says “you’re losing your f**cking charming personality huh?...uhhh….newsflash….you do not have a charming personality”…and we both just bust out laughing….So I learned my lesson….now for the safety of my friends, my employees, delivery drivers,  rotten spawn….pretty much  all mankind…I take that whopping 48 seconds every morning to make sure my superpowers are safely and securely in place……hahahahaha…….ahhhhh……Welcome to Girl World….where really…seriously…no one is safe….



So I decide to sit down and write a rant and the most irritating thing keeps happening….there is a box that keeps popping us saying phoneserver.exe has stopped working…it pops up about every 5 seconds and I think I’m going to lose my mind…Now I’m typing around the damn thing….so I hit close program and bam…5 seconds later…its back up….now the last person to use my computer was my son (of course….did I mention he moved home?...”just 2 weeks Mom…I just need to move home for 2 weeks”…that was a month ago….sigh..but I digress)….so I ask my son..”what the hell is this stupid box that keeps popping up?..its making me crazy…make it go away”…..now if you don’t have rotten evil hell spawn as your children then you may not know there are 3 simple responses for everything in the Rotten Hell Spawn Repetoire….( 1.) Deny…Denial is King….it may nip the whole thing in the bud ...Is there actual proof you’ve done it?...solid proof?....a video?..a witness?...If solid proof is involved, proceed to Step 2….(  2.) Blame another Sibling….classic Hunter Family Value….when in doubt, blame the other kid…..probably a good chance one of the other siblings were involved anyway…..(now this can be a little dangerous as Xatia has been known to literally throw Damian down the stairs…proceed with caution in blaming another kid….there is always the chance of being a random victim of violence….. ( 3.) Redirect……This is a Hunter Family Classic….this is the “Oh Shit, I’m Busted, Now What Do I Do”?....Redirect is  your best bet here….go with the traditional compliment of my hair or better yet the ol “have you lost weight?”…seems to be the winner…….now lets take this computer issue and put it in the equation here….”Damian!..what the hell is wrong with my computer?!...what the hell is this box?! What did you do?!”……”Mom, that wasn’t there when I used it…I think that’s from YOUR Skype(what ? a parental blame?)….why don’t you ask Diva?!.(BAM…the sibling throw under the bus)...she uses your computer too…..is that your stomach making that noise?...let me go get you some food”…(this entire conversation actually happened less than 4 minutes ago)…now lets try this again…”Diva…where the hell is my expedition?...you told me you were bringing it home YESTERDAY!!!”…Mom, I fell sleep ..(FOR TWO DAYS???) ….I’m sorry, I told Xatia I was gonna return it…(ahhhh, referencing the Golden Child, always a good move)…..I love you, Mom….have you lost weight?”….(ahhh…the ol have you lost weight..almost the perfect ‘get out of jail free card”)…….lets try 1 more…Xatia, its 11:20..your shift starts at 11am!..were you coming to WORK TODAY??!!!....Mom,  I didn’t know I was scheduled (classic denial BUT …doesn’t she WRITE the schedule?)….I had to pick up Diva and drive Damian to an interview (BAM…2 in 1 shot….2 in 1 shot, Ladies and Gentleman, this child is no amateur in the classic sibling blame game)…..by the way, Mom, did you just get your hair redone?..the red is amazing…(and BAM! Best redirect of all….from the firstborn hell spawn)……

So if you ever find yourself in the rather unfortunate situation of producing Hell Spawn….just see me….I’ll be the one walking in circles mumbling…talking to my Good Children, the Shepherds



There are simply no dull moments in the bar business…no past dull moments…no present dull moments…..allow me to take you back a few years…lets go back to 2005…..So some pigeons decided to make Baseline their home….it just became a menace…I went to the “pest control” store and the guy sold me these spiky things, this weird ‘hot glue” stuff, and informed me that even if I put the spike where they had been perching, they would actually impale themselves just to stay by their scent (weird…gross, I know)……he said we could poison them but a friend of ours said their complex poisoned pigeons and it was very upsetting…they don’t exactly die fast and seriously folks, that’s just not good for business…a bunch of pigeons choking hacking walking in circles dying?..sounds entirely inhumane to me.… he pretty much informed me the only way to get rid of them is to shoot them. .. Now we are talking about Baseline Sports Bar here…right in the heart of Tempe…we are not in a rural setting here folks…AND …lets not forget…we are a relatively busy bar…but alas, not to worry, you see…we do not own  guns…neither Mitchell nor I have ever shot a gun….we know nothing about them….we have small children…guns have never been in our home or near our children…..so shooting is completely out of the question……so Mitchell decides he is going to stab them….(stab them?)…yes…stab them….he decides that a knife taped to a broom handle is the best way to go…(“see, AJ, we just duct tape that big kitchen knife to the broom handle there…it makes it long enough…I think I can reach them”)…...hmmmm….now let me tell you a little bit about my ex….Mitchell is by far one of the most hilarious people you could ever hope to meet..(think Jim Carrey)…yes…Mitchell can make anybody laugh, not just laugh, but the make your face hurt cause you laugh too much…now personally, I don’t think he’s funny cause pretty much all his comedy routines for 17 years were about me…(“daddy’s funny….don’t you think mommy?....no sweetheart, mommy doesn’t think daddy is funny  at all….Mommy, what is a hewh bish?....that’s what daddy calls you when he’s being funny……yes, sweetheart, mommy is a hellbitch….now go take your nap while mommy has a talk with daddy)….……but I digress…now the other thing about Mitchell is…he is probably the most sensitive man on the planet….not only can Mitchell NOT watch a movie without crying…he can’t even tell you about the movie without getting teary so…. now ….lets follow along…he is going to stab some birds to death?....he is going to walk up to the pigeons and stab them to death…?....I say “Mitchell….sweetheart…..do you think they are just going to sit there while you stab them?....and what if you only wound the bird?...then you’re going to walk over to it and just finish him off?....just stab him repeatedly to death?...you?”….now he gives me this look and I know exactly what he’s thinking so I just say oh hell no…oh…hell…no….(listen, you spend 17 years with a man, you know exactly what he’s thinking)…he’s thinking I’LL FINISH OFF THIS BIRD……NOT HAPPENING PEOPLE…..sorry, I draw the line at stabbing anything short of a rib eye…..so we decide that stabbing pigeons is not an option and I think we are done with this whole thing…..and I leave Baseline to run a few errands….I return and as I’m pulling up to Baseline I see my door is open just a crack….what the hell?...and there’s this thing sticking out the door….what the hell?!....is a long black thing…no…impossible….now as I mentioned before, I’m pretty unfamiliar with guns but I gotta tell you…that looks like the barrel of a gun sticking out my door…and I hear POP..POP…POP….. now did I effing mention that we are in kinda a strip mall complex?....did I mention that Blimpies is across the parking lot?.....right where this gun is aiming!!!.....right in the middle of a lovely Saturday morning?!.....I run inside and sure as shit….Mitchell is standing in my bar with a f*cking gun!....some sort of pellet gun…I say “What the f**ck ar e you doing???....where the f**ck did you get a gun?....are you out of your f**cking mind??!!! You’re aiming at Blimpies windows?.....there are about a million cars in this parking lot!!!  …this is f**cking Tempe for God’s sakes!!!……he smiles and says…”honey, it had to be done….yeah..(he gazes off in the distance)….I think I made my point…(he leans on the gun)….I think those pigeons know to stay away…(he blows on the barrel)….they know I mean business….”….then he hands me the gun like its all in a days work….like the gunslinger that just annihilated the bad guys and set the townsfolk free…..I look around the room and I see my friend Bill and I immediately know where the gun came from…..(Bill begins stuttering….”AJ…I didn’t know…I swear I didn’t know that you didn’t know…Mitch called….needed a gun….said you said it was ok….AJ….please…AJ…please don’t hurt me….I DIDN’T KNOOOOOOOOOW…) and that my friends is the story of Baseline and the pigeons….strangely enough the pigeons did stay away…..of course so did all the employees at Blimpie’s….and Mitchell….strangely enough the Baseline patrons never did see him again….

So the other day I was waiting for my car…you see, I had given it to the valet approximately 8 hours earlier…long day, my friends, LONG day….I had agreed to compete in hair wars…no, at his point I do not want to talk about it…its so emotionally scarring I’m gonna need a few more days before I can talk about it…suffice it to say…when you have the best, most creative hairdresser in Arizona and you give her permission to do anything she wants to your hair for a fierce competition…there is going to be pain..and lots of it…so I got there at 11 in the morning…its now midnight…show is over…the pain is indescribable …we have gone to a new place in pain….I look like a hellfire version of Dolly Parton….think Dolly Parton combined with the Devil, painted by Picasso….(I know..I know…swear to God, that was me….cleavage…stilettos…3 ft blonde and red horns….) anyway…its effing midnight and I’m ready to leave…my hairdresser begins removing the 4 thousand hairpins and I slip the stilettos I’ve been wearing for 6 hours off…(insert alleluia chorus here)….yeah…me…I know….I change into my clothes and walk out to get my car….ok…see the valet…walk up to him with my card…nope, he says..you gotta take it to the window over there….I take it to the window and give the guy my ten bucks….I’m deliriously tired…I’m cranky and unpleasant…you cannot be in pain and be pleasant people, it just doesn’t work that way…I’m standing there…car after car after car comes up…people leaving…wait..hang on…I know I gave my ticket before these people?...I walk back towards the window…there’s a line now…I’m delirious…I’m overtired…AND there’s a white car just sitting there running blocking all the traffic….door wide open just sitting there….how rude…people are trying to drive around it….I’m thinking…wow…maybe if some idiot moved their car, this would speed things up….now I’m getting irritated….don’t mess with Hellfire Dolly, people….I’m sighing ( I hate when people sigh)…I’m looking around…I would really like to have words with whichever idiot left their car right here…I sigh again…a little louder this time (damn, I hate when people sigh…sheesh..what have I become?...what has this unforgivable rude person done to me?)…did I mention I dealt with pain for 8 hours?.....oh…and its freezing outside…(don’t even get me started on how cranky I get when its cold)..its midnight, lest we forget…..now my friend comes outside…he says “what are you doing?...I thought you left a long time ago?”….I said..” no shit huh?....I’m STILL waiting for my car!”….he looks at me…looks at the white car…looks back at me and says “isn’t that your car?....the white Chevy Malibu…running right there with the door open?.... your rental?”…..(.my what?...my rental?..oh yeah…I have a rental car…I’ve only been driving it ALL WEEK...oh yeah....I don’t drive a silver Corolla anymore….duh….well, this is embarrassing….this is REALLY embarrassing…thank God I didn’t say anything to anyone…..now I glance around and happen to notice that I wasn’t the only person irritated with this car….EVERYONE is looking at this car….why didn’t anyone say anything?...where is the valet?....doesn’t he want a tip?.)...so with as much confidence as I can muster I stroll up to my rented white Chevy Malibu and speed the hell  away…..as I’m driving along I’m kinda zoning out….(can’t get on the 101 from Camelback…Chaparral right?...hmmm…which effing way is Chaparral?)…..people in other cars are looking at me…people in other cars are staring at me…some are pointing…what the hell?....do I have something in my nose?...oh dear Lord…my biggest fear…something dangling out of my nose…..I immediately pull down the mirror and….oh yeah….I forgot…I’m a freak right now…. and bust out laughing…..hahahaha….yeah, no wonder nobody said anything….no wonder people are pointing….it just not everyday you get to see  Picasso’s rendition of Hellfire Dolly……

So as you all know…it takes a village to pull off Spaghetti Wrestling…….and this time I only had 8 days to pull this thing off, trust me, this is a 2 week minimum thing we’re talking about here….AND….here’s the biggies (1) I knew I would be unavailable all day so I had to rely on my friends to make this thing happen….(2) I had to keep my phone turned off most of Friday as well…..SO…no AJ AND no contact with AJ….this is not good…not on an event day….but let me tell you….my friends pulled it off….a few mini crisis and meltdowns…..So I invite you into my Friday…please fasten your seat belts..Welcome to AJ’s World…….”Diva!..do you have enough girls to wrestle?!”…..”Mom, if you ask me again I’m going to kill myself…I will have enough girls”…(translation: Diva does not have enough girls…I’m panicking)…..”Scott, we need a stage….plywood…a truck to get plywood…full set up of everything”…..”AJ, I’m on it…quit calling me”……”Xatia, did you hand out flyers?..have we got the word out?”…..”Mom..I spent all day and night handing out flyers…If I see another flyer I’m killing myself”…..”Roland, can I borrow your lights and sound…PLEASE”….”AJ, are you gonna kiss me?”….”Roland, I’m gonna take that as Yes, AJ, I would love to loan you my lights and sound AND deliver them to Baseline”…..”Reyes, why aren’t you cooking spaghetti yet?....it’s already 10am?”….”AJ, get out of my kitchen….I will have your stupid 100lbs of spaghetti ready by 8pm like you already told me A HUNDRED TIMES”…..”AJ, its 6pm…where is the baby pool?”….”uhhh, Mom, we’re a few girls short for this event”….”AJ, Roland delivered everything you asked for…but where is the baby pool?”…..”AJ, its 7pm and there’s NO BABY POOL!!”….then it happens….the unthinkable……I’m driving….nothing out of the ordinary….65 mph…plenty of space between me and the car ahead of me….then in the blink of an eye….it happens….literally out of nowhere….a truck cuts across 3 lanes of traffic on the 60….we’ve all seen it before….sometimes people are gonna miss their exit…whatever….you just see them literally drive in almost a diagonal across traffic…..yep….everything was fine then BAM….there’s a truck….it is at a complete stop…smoke everywhere…I can’t see the truck…whats that smoke?...its his brakes…he’s locked em up RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME….I know whats gonna happen…..nowhere to go….I brace for it….BAM…..Its 7:15 pm….I have to be at Baseline by 8pm….I pull over to the side of the road…I try to get out of my car…the door won’t open…I push…it opens about 5 inches…I reach over and try my other door….nope…I give it a good shove and step out of my car just in time to see this truck do the exact same thing….take off at a diagonal across 3 lanes of traffic…the fire truck appears…how the hell did they get here so fast…I’m fine…I’m fine (I think I’m fine….actually, I’m far from fine because I need to get to Baseline)….the officer shows up….”Ma’am, are you alright?..”….”I need to leave….I have got to go…I have Spaghetti Wrestling tonight….I can’t stay here….”…..”Ma’am, do you need medical attention?”….its 7:45…I’m stuck on the freeway…who can I call?...my kids are doing my job…my friends are getting Baseline ready….everybody I know is probably on a bike right now and I have a million things I need to take with me out of this car…..its 8pm….I get home …I just need 2 things….2 effing things people…a ref shirt and a whistle….2 words: needle..haystack…”Where is my whistle?...WHERE IS MY EFFIN WHISTLE?”…..I immediately turn into my Sicilian grandmother and begin praying to St Anthony the Patron Saint of Lost Things….”Mom, its 8pm, where are you?...where is the BABY POOL?!!!”…..I’m delirious…even the dogs are afraid….”Mark, its AJ, please tell me you have the baby pool or I’m going to launch myself into oncoming traffic”….”AJ, I’ve been stilling at your bar for an hour with this thing”….(of course he has…why would we think to notice a guy at the bar with an EFFING BABY POOL?!!!)….8:45pm  Damian leaves Baseline with the baby pool to fill it up…8:46 Chicago Mike arrives with this weird contraption…it’s the adaptor to fill up the baby pool….9pm Damian returns explaining he can’t fill up the pool without some sort of adaptor thing….I’m gone…my sanity snaps like a twig…my daughters say…walk away…9:07pm…alleluia…a baby pool appears on the stage….I need a microphone….I need the wrestlers…I need their bios….I need a shot of Fireball…I need my ipod…I need my sanity back…how’s my hair?...I whisper to Diva “please don’t take me down in the pit tonight ok?...I was just in a car accident”…I whisper to Xatia “ please don’t take me down in the pit, ok?...I was just in a car accident”……10:30pm….Spaghetti everywhere….girl fights everywhere….security guys down….crowd going wild and someone picks me up ( great, now I’m airborne…I know what’s happening and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it….I brace for it….) and BAM!!... I’m  in the pit….I turn around…(of course) its my son….the only rotten child I forgot to ask not to throw me in the pit…..(sigh) and then every single wrestler jumps on top of me…..every…single…one….So basically, that was my Friday….how was yours?.........hahahahahahaahaha…..as always, Welcome to my World people….No dull moments.  (ugh…I think I need an ice pack)


One of my small pleasures in life is getting  a pedicure….it’s a whopping $17 and worth every penny…hey, I’m not limber enough to paint my own toenails and I lack the steady hand to paint anyway…kinda got a smokers shake to me….anyway…I’ve been going to the same little place for years…its right on my corner and its owned by this charming little Vietnamese couple named Tina & Tony, they are adorable..…there are two other people that work there..I’m sure they are related but I’m not sure how…I ‘ve never asked any questions and quite frankly I prefer not to talk at all when I have the pleasure of someone rubbing my feet….normally there is quite a banter going on in the salon….the 4 of them speaking in Vietnamese the entire time and even though there is nothing calming about that, I always seem to zone out listening to this unrecognizable banter…its highly animated…it’s just white noise for me…don’t get me wrong..they speak English..sort of…kind of…but its 90% Vietnamese when you’re there….So today when I stopped by I wasn’t sure they were open..there were no customers there when I walked in…all 4 of them greet me and so begins my zoned out $17 slice of  heaven…aka…the pedicure…….hot bubbly water…the jets hitting the soles of my feet…one foot out now….rubbing of the foot…ahhh…heaven….so I’m just zoning out listening to their banter and half heartedly watching something called “River Monsters” on the television ..no sound of course…when it becomes silent…hmmm….I slowly come  back to reality and  realize all 4 of them are staring at me…as a matter of fact…all 4 of them are standing quite close to me and they are all looking directly at me…and she says “you no ho foo?”….(is she speaking to me?)...of course…I’m the only one here…(is she speaking English?.)..she must be because she’s speaking very slowly…like I’m in special ed and that’s exactly how I feel…I say..”excuse me?”…and she repeats “you no ho foo?...now unfortunately I cannot answer by the context of the conversation because right up until now I wasn’t listening…I was just zoning out and watching what looked like half a human body in the mouth of a catfish….(note to self…avoid the river)….I am quite uncomfortable now…I’m very confused….she’s very confused…..then she adds….”or sun flaahwah….or ay yay’s”…..ok…ok…brain recognizes  “ay yay” because this is exactly how my kitchen guys pronounce my name…..my brain is spinning….there is no one there but me…everyone is staring at me…I must look like the biggest idiot on the planet as that hamster on the wheel in my brain starts running mach speed….ok…let me think…ay yay’s….ho foo….sun flaahwahh….ay yay’s….ho foo…sun flaw ahh…..(Ugh!!!!!!!....make it go away…all that relaxing…gone…all that happiness in the foot rubbing zone…gone…)…then….Ding!....Just like that….I hear the alleluia choir in my head.…..We are talking about markets here!!!…AJ’s Fine Foods…Whole Foods…Sunflower Market……Ahhhhh….Thank God….I’m finally up to speed……Yes, I say…of course I know Whole Foods…yes…yes…there is a Whole Foods right by my bar….she smiles…we are all up to speed here…we are all on the same page….she says..”ho foo have why licka?”….(.come on!!! You have GOT  to be shitting me….I’m in the 7th circle of hell….) …why licka…?...why licka…??...(what the f**ck is why licka?)…so I take a stab and say…uhhh….white…liquor?.....yes…she says….she is so excited that I understand…everyone is staring at me & she says again..”ho foo have why licka?”….so with as much confidence as I can muster….with the most authoritative tone ever…I do the only thing I can to escape this nightmare…I do the only honorable thing here…I lie….I reply…”no…absolutely not …Whole Foods does not have white liquor” and proceed to open my magazine and become immediately enthralled in someone named Snooki’s latest arrest…I may even begun oooing and ahhing over this “amazing” article……sigh…..note to self…..bring Xatia & Diva everytime I want a pedicure….must have a buffer…(wait, that’s waaayyyy to expensive)……. better yet….bring headphones and ipod….



So as I have mentioned before…I have mostly male friends….they call me one of the guys, blah blah blah…they say things like..how come you never act psycho?...well, there’s no reason to act psycho with your friends right?...hey all women have the psycho gene, we just know how to keep it under control…well, I do…anyway…let me explain something else..let’s say hypothetically you wanted to date me (bad.. stupid… dumb idea)…then you would have to understand that I come to the table with 7-10 guy friends that I spend a lot of time with….(example: Saturday I ran into a friend of mine, no names mentioned, John Romain, and I was with my friends…as I’m introducing him he says ..”oh YOU’RE  Scott Wagner, oh YOU’RE Baby Gap…YOU’RE  Texas…and CLEMONS…yeah, I’ve read the stories about you”…hahahha)….if you see me out and about you are probably going to see me with one of my friends…but you see…I don’t date my friends… therefore the psycho gene stays safely intact…but..and there’s always a but…but ..but…my friends, with just the right amount of alcohol and a broken promise too many…even the best of us can’t control the beast…Wednesday night I unleashed the psycho girl beast…well, as least that’s what I heard because I don’t remember any of it….hahahahah…did I mention my friends are evil and they MADE me drink shots….yes, the psycho girl beast was unleashed….now there are several cards in the “Psycho Girl Beast” repertoire….yep….there’s a whole bag of trouble in that deck of cards…..so I pulled the traditional , relatively harmless ones out of the bag….(1) The “if you really cared about me you would be here” Card…(that’s a good card and you know it…kind of the starter card….says a lot…not too psycho yet)……(2)  The “if I’m not worth a 5 mile drive then F U!” card…(admit it, another good card,..direct… to the point…clearly states my position…borderline psycho…kind of on the fence of normal though)…and the best… wait for it….(3)  The dreaded  ”I made it home, no thanks to you” card…(implies you are a selfish son of a bitch with no regard for my well being...you MADE me drive home drunk because you were too effing lazy to come get me…you suck…)…this is the borderline psycho card…..hahahahaha…..ahhhhhh, good times…..now you may be thinking…wow…those aren’t even a big deal…women use the” pregnancy” card, the “I’m dying” card and the “suicide” card all the time…well…let me tell you a little secret…those are reserved for the official card carrying members of the Psycho Girl Beast Association, which of course I am not privy to….once they found out I had an honorary man card, they black balled me….that’s ok….if they only knew the things I helped my friends do to unleash the Psycho Girl Beast in other women….they’d kill me

Until next time

 
Lets talk about my Saturday, shall we…and then it should become perfectly clear why I spend my free time with Makers Mark…I get irrigation at 6:55pm…at 6:50pm my neighbor yells from his yard “are you ready?”….now follow along here..my “valve” is obviously in the ground..its a metal handle and I turn  it left to open it …(righty tighty..lefty loosey)…now mind you…I am on my hands and knees in the dark with my hands in at least 8 inches of water…the ends of my hair are now in the water and this f*cking valve won’t budge…now I know EXACTLY what has happened…see, my neighbor came in my yard and closed the valve with a metal thing..he doesn’t have to get on his hands and knees to open his valve he has this metal stick thingie to open his…whatever…but since mine won’t f**cking budge I know he closed mine…I yell back “No, I’m not ready…my valve won’t open”…he yells sh** (yes, kind of a shhhhhh thing because he’s Mormon and doesn’t swear)…now follow along..if my valve doesn’t open after he shuts his down then all the water will come pouring over the top of this concrete thing that sits in his yard….yes…its just water…its effing water, people, but I swear my neighbors act like somehow I’m responsible for raw sewage in their yard when they have to deal with even 1 minute of my water..?..go figure…now I’m NOT  in the best mood anyway as my dogs have shredded a pillow in the yard and it looked like it snowed in my yard minutes before I got irrigation…I’m walking around my yard picking up stuffing everywhere in the dark…then I see something that looked like a stuffed animal…remember…my yard is about to be underwater by 4-6 inches starting at 6:55…so I grab the “stuffed animal”..only to realize my mistake the SECOND I picked it up..it is a dead..decomposing cat…(ahhhhh!!!....i scream..you know…the total girl scream….I instinctively throw it…all of its bones are crushed..it feels like a bag of broken sticks and the smell…yeah..all over my hands)…anyway….where was I …valve stuck…me In a  bad mood…neighbor irritated…so my neighbor does the unthinkable….I still see it in slow motion in my head…my gate is slightly open..about an inch…I am 2 feet away from that gate on my hands and knees, hands and hair in the water…4 German Sheperds in the yard and my neighbor walks into my yard….I scream” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!   GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!”…..you see…Cracker Jack is predominately black…she is almost impossible to see in the dark…she is also extremely agile and very very dangerous when it comes to protecting me….I don’t see Cracker but I hear her tags and I hear them coming FAST…she jumps OVER me right as he backs out of my yard..she is lunging for his throat….he is disoriented & freaking out…I say…gimmie that damn thing…I take the metal thing and immediately open my gate…he starts mumbling…”do this all the time…no problems before..yeah,,they bark…never seen anything like that….”….I’ve tried to explain this many times to people…if I am not here the Sheperds act one way…if I am here…they act another way…if I’m upset…you better just stay the f**ck away because they sense it and go into a very dangerous mode…now its 7:10…I need to get to the bar..where is my ride?...at 7:40 I call him…he forgot?...wow..he forgot?…(my mood is improving but the minute here)…arrive at Baseline at 8…just pour a Makers Mark..just finish telling my story to my friends and in walks a women…she gets 5 feet into my bar when she starts screaming…and I mean screaming..”WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DAUGHTER?!..i KNOW YOU’RE HIDING HER, AJ…THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY HERE….YOU HIRE 17 YEAR OLD STRIPPERS!!...YOU HIRE 17 YEAR OLD STRIPPERS!!!!”….. really?..first irrigation..then this?...I kindly mention to the woman that if I had 17 yr old strippers my bar would be packed..you know, standing room only….line out the door kind of thing…she didn’t think I was funny….she also informed me that the Gilbert Cops were on their way to search my house..(“they are breaking down your door right now, AJ)..…hmmmm…I don’t live in Gilbert…can they do that?..do they actually break the door down?....do they at least try the handle first?.....what are they going to think about the smell of decomposition coming from my yard?...what are they going to think about my neighbor wandering around mumbling and drooling?...and most importantly..how are they going to like Crackers greeting?.........Ahhhhhh, yes, my friends,…welcome to my world,  absolutely no dull moments…

 

 

People should come with some sort of warning…cigarettes have a warning…airbags have a warning..hell, the old hand towel dispensers had a warning…(remember..do not put your head in here…hahahaha…so wrong)…Sometimes the prettiest packages are the worst…there are several guys from my past that were so lovely to look at but once they opened their mouth…forget it about it…(gosh…I sure wish I could share with you the stories about the hottie I dated for a whole 8 days…yikes! ….)….anyway…last Saturday a friend of mine showed up with a date…let me tell you…she was very attractive…blonde…big boobs…the whole 9 nine yards…right there at the beginning..she seemed normal…I even gave my friend a big thumbs up when she wasn’t looking….but you see…you can only pretend to be sane for so long…there must be some sort of time limit… I mean..when you are stone cold crazy you can only fake it for so long….I think that time frame is about 22 minutes….yes, my friends, after 22 minutes this beautiful blonde turned into the Psychotic Tazmanian Devil…she was on the pool table…she was on her knees….she was flashing everyone her breasts…but the worst, my friends, was when she was on the dance floor….you see…once she got on the dance floor…no one else could dance….she needed the WHOLE dance floor to do whatever the hell she was doing…I really wish someone would have had a camera to take a picture of our faces…5 of us…watching her…horrified…mortified….I want you to picture this…she’s sort of in a squat..her ass is out and its moving non stop…its rubbing against anything and everything that gets within 3 feet of it…she was like an ass tornado on the dance floor and the entire time shes dancing..she is looking directly at my friend…(he wants to die…he is trying to hide behind me and its just not working…hahahaha…then a real big gal…a REAL big gal….stands next to him at the bar to order a drink and starts rubbing her ass on his leg…he taps me & points at her ass…I said..”what the hell kind of cologne are you wearing tonite?...throw it away…it’s the WRONG kind of chick magnet”)….so the tornado on the dance floor is now attempting to make seductive faces to my friend as she’s dancing…she has her fingers in her mouth and is pulling her bottom lip down…in case you’re wondering…that is NOT a seductive look at all…at this point our entire group is simply catatonic…eyes wide in pure horror…then it happens…like some sort of unknown…unheard…silent call ….something shifts in the universe that we are all unaware of …the planets align and suddenly all the big gals come together and start dancing…now gentlemen, I am using the word big literally here….I had no idea there were so many big girls at this bar…now there are at least 8 of them surrounding her and dancing with her…she is bent over…hands touching her toes…ass still doing the tornado thing when the big gals move behind her and start …what is the word?...cause it sure wasn’t dancing…it was a doggy style big girl nightmare….at this point our entire group is making the face…you know..the oooooooo face….like when someone snaps a bone through the skin…oh yeah…that face…it was a train wreck…but you had to look…you couldn’t take your eyes off it…your brain is saying…this is NOT happening…ahhhh…but it was, my friends….it was happening….

So what have we learned here?...what can we take away from all this?...How do we know who the crazies are?....oh…I guess I shoulda mentioned he met her by walking up behind her 4 months ago and pulling the string on the halter dress…..wait….hahahahahahahaha…I think I wrote that story…..scroll down a few stories…..hahahahahahaahaha…..ahhhhh…..good times

 

 

 

I’d like to share with you one of my favorite stories…it involves my friend Texas Bryan…now if you don’t know Bryan, shame on you…this means you are not coming to Baseline on Tuesday and Wednesday nights…Texas is always here…I jokingly call him the “Mayor of Bikerville” because everyone that rides seems to know Bryan…Harley guys, sport bike guys, hell, even beach cruiser guys….Texas Bryan might be one of the nicest most non confrontational men I’ve ever met…(instigator and troublemaker, yes, but only when we’re out drinking)…So the night of Bryans birthday…we had a big party here and afterward we all went to Waffle House…(big surprise there..)…so typical Waffle House antics…girls are walking in and Bryan and Scott are escorting them (not the guys they’re with) to our table…now its time to leave and this blonde gal is walking out the door with our group…we all walk over to the bikes and she walks over to a cab…I see her talking to the cab driver..now apparently whoever she is with is passed out cold in the back seat of the cab…(yes, I guess the whole time she was inside Waffle House he’s passed out in the cab..I think..I had been spending the evening with Mark so, you know.. when Mark & I spend time together, things get a little fuzzy…but he is taking up the WHOLE back seat)…so Scott, being the gentleman that he is..tells her..”Bryan will take you home..right Bryan?”….she says..uhhhh…well..I’m not sure if I wanna ride on a bike..I’ve never really ridden on a bike before”…blah blah blah….Scott literally lifts her butt right up onto Bryans bike and says..”hold on”…then he looks at Bryan and says “Happy Birthday”…so we make sure she has glasses and we all ride away..that was at 3am…Fast Forward..6am…I get a text from Bryan that says..”emergency meeting at Bettys NOW!”…Emergency meeting?...seriously?..Bryan never says emergency?....(now thanks to my ghetto phone ..you know the “No Service” phone..the poster child for  “You’d have a Better Shot with a Tin Can and Some String “ phone, I don’t actually get this message until 3pm that day..I work at the Rose on Sundays…phone service?..forget about it)…So I call him..what?..what happened?..are you ok??..he says “AJ, gotta tell you in person..I’ll meet you at Baseline”…in person?..oh, this is bad..motorcycle wreck?..DUI?..something happened to one of his kids?...I was worried….Here’s the story folks…so apparently Bryans gives this gal a ride home..they get to her house and have a few drinks and he mentions that they kind of sort of (he’s being evasive here) start making out..you know..maybe lose some clothes make out…so he falls asleep in her bed, she is laying on his arm…he says he’s in a deep sleep when suddenly he hears someone open the door, walk over to the bed, get in and pass out…yep…lets just let that sink in for a moment, shall we?...now the guy that passed out was also kind enough to throw HIS arm over the girl which in turn landed HIS arm right over Bryan…Bryan says that at this point he was WIDE AWAKE and stone cold sober…so he  ever ever ever so gently works his arm out from underneath the girl…about 20 minutes…hahahaha..had to be the LONGEST 20 minutes of his life…THEN..he has to avoid tripping over the dog..lying right next to the bed…while he goes on a search of the place in the dark to find his clothes…hahahahahahahahahahahahha…..(you just HAVE to know Bryan to see why this is SO out of character for him…Scott, yes…Clemons, yes…Bryan, NO..NO..NO..NO)….did I mention he has a Harley?...how you gonna start that fucker in the driveway quietly?..ain’t…gonna…. happen….had to be some pushing involved there….hahahahahahha..(its just so un-Bryan….we call him Texas Bryan..as in “from Texas”..as in manners…southern manners..)…hahahahahahahaha…..anyway, Bryan leaves at approximately 6am hence the meeting at Bettys that I unfortunately missed…So what is our lesson here?...try to remember your surroundings when disrobing in a new environment?...uhh…maybe, keep your pants right next to your boots?...keep a pant leg on while doing the deed?....nope…I think our lesson is …never ever accept a “birthday gift” from Scott Wagner

Until next time…please direct any and all further inquiries to Texas Bryan directly any Tuesday or Wednesday night….that is all

 

 

I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a property for rent but let me tell you something…I’ve interviewed hundreds of potential employees in my life but there is nothing..I tell you..nothing like talking to a potential renter….nothing…..let me share with you my most recent interaction with a potential renter….so I put the sign up on a Saturday…Saturday nite she calls…when can I see it?...I say…go  right inside and look around..if you’re interested, grab an application…Saturday Nite: “I filled this out where do I turn it in and when can I move in?”…well, I ask, if she attached her check stubs (“No..not yet)…well I need those to verify employment and then we’ll discuss  if you’re the right renter for this place…She says “when can I turn those in to you and move in?”…sigh…I say..” I will be at the rental property cleaning up tomorrow at noon”….Sunday morning 9am: She calls “I’m here at the rental..where are you?”…I said I told you I’d be there at noon…”well, noon isn’t a good time for me..now is a good time”..(well effing good for you, I want to say, but I don’t)…I say ONCE AGAIN..I will be there at noon…10:45am..She calls..”Uhhh, I’m still here in Mesa and can you just meet here now?..I have to be at work at 1pm in Scottsdale”..(I ignore this text)….11:30am…”My mom needs to see the house and my sister in law and we’re all available right now..where are you?”..(I ignore this text as well)…11:50am..”are you even interested in renting this house or what?..you don’t even answer your calls”..(is this woman mentally retarded?..which part of noon did she not get the first TEN TIMES  I said it?)…I arrive at exactly noon…she is already standing inside the house…”I need to move in here today!”….I look at her rental application and notice it has 3 adults and 5 children under the age of 7…..five…children….I say..”8 people huh?..I’m not sure this house is big enough to accommodate 8 people”….just then 2 women walk in the door, one is about 60, the other is about 30 and there are 5 little rug rats trailing behind them…they all plop down on the floor..(?)…(now during all this Diva is scrubbing the refrigerator and trying not to gag because even though the previous renters were nice enough to clean the refrigerator, they closed it, so now its full of mold where there were drops of water and ice)…back to the people now sitting on my floor….come to find out this is her mother and sister in law and the whole family….the kids IMMEDIATELY run up to the full length floor to ceiling mirrors and put their hands on them….did I mention they were eating popsicles?...so before I can even open my mouth to say anything the woman says..’you ARE going to repaint ..right?!...and what about this wallpaper?..that HAS to go….you know, this is a big inconvenience for me..waiting around FOR YOU  like this since yesterday..I have to drive here from Scottsdale you know!”…and immediately I see it out of the corner of my eye… Diva just starts shaking her head and making the “did someone just piss off my mother” face….its the face you make when you watch those skateboard guys ride a railing and crash…that oooooo…owwwww…face….yeah, you know it…I look at this b**tch and say..” you know what ?..here’s the best thing ever..YOU are never going to have to be inconvenienced again regarding me and this house…you NEVER EVER have to drive here again….GET..OUT…”...She’s still just standing there so I do the little sweep sweep motion with my hand and repeat…GET…OUT…..She looks at her mom and sister in law and says in spanish..”she doesn’t like kids and says there’s too many of us”….I look at her and reply in Spanish..”That’s NOT what I said”….in the backround Diva says…”daaaayyyyuuuummmm…..Barbie speaks Spanish!...hahahahahahaha………..

Ahhhh, the joy of rental properties….2 hours later I found a single guy to rent it…he didn’t mention the paint..he didn’t mention the wallpaper…all he said was…I have the full deposit right now if you’d like the whole thing….(thank you Lord)

 

 

So the other day a friend of mine says…”lets check out match.com”….we have our laptops side by side..we’re researching a new and improved events for Baseline and I say ok..why not…we’re thinking we are just gonna log on and see all these potential candidates..right?..wrong..you have to sign up first..ok..no problem…name, height, weight…yeah..I got all that…then it goes into quite a bit more detail…do you prefer tall or short guys?..rich or poor guys..you know..whatever….my keyboard stroke sounds like this…click (next page)..click  (next page)…etc..my friend is clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick on every effin page…..so I’m moving along pretty quickly, I’m on page 10 and he is on page 3…now we get to the “important stuff”…hobbies..etc ..and the big one..explain yourself…describe yourself, in detail….so here’s me..click (next page)..click( next page)..click…my friend…clickclickclickclickclick for about 4 minutes…he looks at me and says you’re done?..I said yeah…I thought we were just goofing around?...he says let me see your profile…..NO PREFERENCE?...YOU CLICKED NO PREFERENCE FOR EVERY SINGLE OPTIONS FOR GUYS?...tall? short? Smoker? Drinker? Kids?..I said “yeah..I don’t care…might as well keep my options open right?”…he sighs in disgust…he says “you chose SKIP for describe yourself, what you enjoy doing and job description?!”…I said yeah..what am I gonna write?  ….he takes one more look at it and says “wow, AJ, you really outdid yourself here…It says hobbies..and you wrote “read”….I said I like to read…he says let me get this straight…you have a 20 page profile and all you wrote is the word “read”?...(I THOUGHT we were just goofing around?...besides I like to read, I read all the time, I can finish 2 books maybe 3 in a day if I’m alone)….he says Wow, congratulations…I think guys could find a more exciting date on the Coma Ward at the hospital….I said “fine”..describe myself?...really?.ok, how’s this….hmmm..single female..takes no shit..singlehandedly runs 2 bars..which means you get almost no time with me…time alone? Forget it…has 3 over-privileged children, 5 wonderful dogs, smoker, drinker, totally outspoken..looking for a man that has absolutely no insecurity issues ..to do whatever I want whenever I want with absolutely no reciprocation from me..must hold my feet lovingly when he rubs them (daily)…must pick my drunk ass up anytime anywhere with a smile..must have a drill and know how to use it (lots to do..lots of projects)....must never watch tv( trust me, there just isn’t going to be any time).…must have a Harley…must be a “yes” man…yes, sweetheart, I would love to get out of this nice warm bed to go get you a cheeseburger in the middle of the night..yes love, I would be more than happy to pick you up from the Desert Rose…must have impeccable manners..must know the flowers I love and buy them weekly (Lilies)....must understand that there will always be at least 3 German Sheperds in the bed with us at all times…that 3 rotten kids come with the package…must not be cheap (ugh..so unattractive)….”.Shall  I go on?” I ask him…he looks at me and says…”Now that I think about it.. we better stick with the Coma Ward thing…”

AJ Hunter, quite possibly, single for life….hahahahahaha

 

 

So for some reason it seems to surprised everyone that I went to Catholic school for 12 years..not only Catholic School but an all girls Catholic high school…THAT was a most unpleasant surprise..you see, I knew I was going to go to Catholic High School that was a given…everyone I went to Elementary School with at St. Catherines went to Holy Family for High school, that’s just the way it was…but 2 days before school started..2 DAYS ....my mother decided to drop the bomb on me that I would be attending Marycrest Academy…the All Girls Catholic High School…very prestigious…College Prep…brainiacs only…you see, my mother attended public school and was raised in a very poor home…she was the oldest of 9 children and was expected to help raise them…my grandmother didn’t even want her to go to high school but my mother insisted…(remember…my grandmother came straight off the boat from Sicily, no silly ass schooling for beautiful woman in Sicily, you simply got married and pooped out beautiful babies)….my mother was quite beautiful….(I look like my mother but with my father’s color and disposition…hahaha…he was the calmest, classiest man on the planet…see, right away you recognize the resemblance)….picture me with jet black hair, fair skin and green eyes..thats my mother in high school….anyway…to support herself she was a very popular, very beautiful  roller skating waitress at a little place just a few blocks from Marycrest…all the guys would go there in their badass muscle cars (well, those were pretty much the only cars in 1962) and all the girls from Marycrest had their own cars as well…this was the first place my mother saw my father (he was driving a GTO, of course) he was one of the rich kids that attended the all guys Catholic High School.   So it always stayed in my mothers head that one day if she had a daughter that child would in fact attend Marycrest…no crappy public school for her..only the best…hey, I get it…lets not even talk about what we do for our kids…I could write a novel..(my novel would probably win the award for” Most Use of the Word f**ck in 500 Pages” )…so as fate would have it…my mother did have a daughter (a blessed golden chid..that would be moi) and that daughter was destined to attend Marycrest…did I mention its for rich kids?...so not only was I forced to attend a high school without ANY of my friends…without any boys AND….I was the ONLY student on financial aid…do you know what that constituted?...you may want to sit down for this folks…I had to work the Bingos every Sunday for FOUR F**CKING YEARS!!!!!.....(yeah, that’s a part of my life I would like to just block out..wait..I think I did…) ..so I decided the only honorable thing I could do…the only thing to maintain my sanity and dignity was get myself kicked out of Maycrest and folks, let me tell you…I gave it my best shot…the nuns issued “demerits” for  any and all infractions…dress code being the worse… you see, we were supposed to be young “ladies”…there was a liitle blurb in the handbook about more that 10 dress code demerits would put you on probation and 20 will result in expulsion…the rule was..if you were on your knees, your skirt needed to touch the ground (yes, I shit you not…Sister Kathryn was the Disciplinary Dean and every morning she would walk into every single classroom and check for dress code violations…by the 5th day, I just got up when she walked in and dropped to my knees…by the 3rd week, she already had a demerit in her hand with my name on it when she walked in so we just skipped the dog & pony show after that)…problem was..Sister Kathryn was on to me…she knew exactly what I was doing and there was NO WAY she was gonna throw me out when that’s EXACTLY what I wanted…instead she decided that 3 demeirts would equal a detention and folks that’s how I spent every Wednesday afternoon for 4 f**cking  years….when I graduated from Maycrest I had 571 dress code demerits on file…as all the other girls had pictures of guys in their lockers..I had my demerits displayed wall paper style, 5 deep….

Hahahaha….F**cking Sicilians….we are a VERY  special group..so I bet I have you wondering…how did they have a cheerleading squad if the skirts had to be past the knee?...THAT my friends, is another great story…

I’ll post that one Thursday
  

Lets talk for a minute about finding things…there are 2 ways of finding things…things you were looking for and things you weren’t…for example..you are looking for your car keys (dammit..where the f**ck!!.. I just had the damn things in my hand..agh!!!) so you dump out the entire contents of your purse (all 8.7lbs of it and as everything but the kitchen sink falls out you see your Ed Hardy lighter…hey!!!there’s that lighter…right on!!... Ithought that sucker was gone forever…) so you find your keys and your lighter..its a win win people…but finding your lighter was much better…you weren’t actually looking for it..it just sort of appeared out of nowhere…do you understand?...are you following along?...wake up! This is important..why because now we are now finally  getting to the gist of the matter,if you will,….so as you all know we do these fun & silly events at Baseline and I have my “Bikini Team” for this stuff…so Saturday about 30 minutes before one of my girls is set to KY Wrestle (no names mentioned…Tijana)  she hasn’t shown up yet (now try to understand the amount of time & energy that goes into one of these events…I don’t want to say I was in a panic but…I was kind of in a panic) she calls Diva and informs her that she will no longer be a part of Baseline Sports Bar as she has “found her morals”……hmmmmm…ooooooookay…let’s just let that sit for a second, shall we…..so …you know me…so you probably know my question…was she actually looking for those morals or did she just find them…was she walking around her house going…’where the hell are my morals?...lets see…where was the last place I left them?...backseat?..no…parking lot?...no…oh yeah!!!  I left them at Baseline Sports Bar….or was it a surprise find…you know you’re just going along and BAM…HOLY SHIT…”I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THESE WERE MISSING..THANK GOD I FOUND MY MORALS… yeah..last time I tossed them to the side was right here…on this stage…in this bikini..right here in this Spaghetti Pit…right here at this immoral place called Baseline Sports Bar…..whew, how long have these suckers been missing?...look at the dust on em….well this is embarrassing”……. So Baseline Sports Bar, being the pillar of the community that we are, felt it was our civic  duty to suit up, man up and delve into the deepest darkest corners of our past and see if anyone else may have inadvertently , accidently or quite frankly, most certainly, lost their morals here at  Baseline ....folks, I gotta tell ya…THAT was a scary trip…just approaching the cellar door, our “moral meters” were in the red….hundreds if not thousands of morals were stored in the darkest corners of the Baseline cellar …it was like the Indiana Jones movie…when I opened the door I told Diva…don’t look at it!! Keep your eyes closed…they were EVERYWHERE!!!..I immediately realized my mistake…we threw ourselves on the door…pushing & shoving…took everything we had to throw that latch…we emerged covered in sweat & lingering morals….there were so many…who knew?...we vowed to never do it again….so we can’t help you folks…yes, if your morals are missing, I know where to find them…but trust me on this one…you’re better off without them…

Until next time

 

 

..Lets talk a minute about my last  “Task Force” meeting, shall we…If I want to get an extension of premise to do anything out in the courtyard, I have to ask the City of Tempe first, it’s a rather long meeting and all charity requests go first…translation…bring a book..you’re gonna be there a while….it has ALWAYS been held in the Tempe Library which is on Rural & Southern (yeah..do the math..what?..4 minutes from here?)  So Harrington calls that morning to remind me I have a meeting at 1:30pm with the Task Force…I say..”1:30?...are you sure its not at 1pm?”…He sighs and hangs up…so off I go to the Library..I leave Baseline at 1pm with a book and I’m feeling pretty good as I stroll into the library at 1:04…Wow..I knew I was early but this is weird..there’s no one here…I walk to all 4 of the upstairs rooms…all dark..all empty…I casually inquire in the office…”uhhh, excuse me, where is the Meeting?”…she looks at me like I’ve spoken in Vietnamese…she says what meeting?...I say “the city council meeting thing..where you ask to approve your permit?”…she says “oh the TASK FORCE meeting..that’s in downtown Tempe now”…I look at the clock..its 1:17…I panic…where?!..where is it?!...She says “the Transportation Building” and meanders across the room to grab a Parks and Recreation Map…”hmmmm…it should be on here….right here..nope…that’s not it …”..(time check 1:19pm)…I’m sweating…I’m borderline hysterical…Ive already advertised this party and PAID the $200 non refundable amount for the permit….I say “I’ll find it”….I call Harrington in a panic and he finds it on the internet…he says turn left on University and then right on College….Hunter..have you turned right on University yet?...Now folks, I don’t know if you’ve ever made the grievous error of actually driving ANYWHERE near ASU at lunchtime but I’m quite certain it would be more pleasant to eat glass…I wait for THREE, count em THREE green arrows to get onto University (time check  1:27pm)… and yes, I would have run it had a cop not been RIGHT THERE….finally I see the building…but where the hell do I park?...please Saint Anthony, help me find a place to park…(Side note:..Catholics have patron Saints for everything and somehow Saint Anthony who is the patron Saint of helping you find lost objects is also the patron Saint of helping you find a parking spot…as a child I never once pulled into a parking lot without my Sicilian grandmother saying..”now say a lil prayer to Saint Anthony”….we are a strange and special people…but I digress…)Harrington says..there should be a parking garage right there…”Hunter!..don’t you see a parking garage?!”...I drive up..no spaces..I circle around..no spaces..He says “Hunter !! dammit, according to the map there should be a parking garage RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!”...I say “ I see it” and hang up with Harrington….(well folks, …there is a big huge parking garage right in front of me..but what I didn’t want to tell Harrington or pretty much ANYONE for that matter is that in a long line of unsubstantiated fears…I have a paralyzing fear of Parking Garages…see I’m very claustrophobic…extremely claustrophobic.. and many many  many years ago I drove my Ford Expedition into a parking garage in Vegas..when I entered..the roof..or maybe the roof rack, whatever, actually scraped on the ceiling and that was it..I jumped out of my truck and to THIS DAY…I do not do parking garages…I will jump out of a moving car before I enter a parking garage..ask my children, I’ve done it before)…So I have NO CHOICE…I’m holding up traffic…I’m looking at this thing like its Dante’s 7th Circle of Hell…I’m covered in goosebumps….I break into a cold sweat….I start chanting..”you can do this, AJ..you can do this” …I man up and ease into the garage going 3mph…the attendant looks at me and actually says..”are you alright?”..I’m slightly green, possibly foaming at the mouth, and mumbling undecipherable things….I notice before I blackout that there is a parking spot RIGHT UP FRONT (thank you , Lord)…I jump out of my car and take off running (time check 1:47pm..I think..no biggie right..there are gonna be 10-15 permits ahead of me)…I run to the Transportation Building…what is this…its like a train station?...where the hell could a meeting be?...oh, did I mention it is 115 degrees outside?....I walk up to the BULLETPROOF glass and say ..”excuse me..where is the City Council meeting?”.. Two women are just sitting there talking and one gives me the “wait a minute” finger…..really?...now I understand the need for the bullet proof glass…she meanders over and I say AGAIN…”City Council meeting?!”…she looks at some ledger thing and says there’s no Council Meeting…I say Please look again…(I want to kill this woman…I’m having homicidal thoughts…If I hit this glass hard enough I will either break it and have the joy of strangling her or I will knock myself out cold..either of which would be a serious improvement to my current situation)…she says oh, you mean TASK FORCE MEETING…(hand me the gun..one of us isn’t leaving here)..she’s points upstairs…I take off running….(time check 1:53pm)…halfway up the stairs there is a gate with a padlock…really?...back downstairs..I look at the woman..she smiles…she points to the elevator…waiting..waiting…(IS THIS THE SLOWEST ELEVATOR ON THE PLANET!!!...hand me the dull butterknife…I’m going to commit suicide right now)…Run inside…15 City Council Member are there and NO ONE ELSE….the lady looks at me and says…”uhhh..Baseline Sports Bar?”….I’m sweating..I think I’m crying…I may have blacked out for a second…I glance at the roster hanging on the wall…yep,there were 17 permits  before me, all gone now and in big bold letters :  Task Force Meeting 1pm….(note to self, kill Harrington)

 

 

So a about 2 weeks ago I’m sitting with my friends and I make an announcement…I say..now don’t get too excited about this but I want to show you guys something…I reach into my purse and I pull out an unopened package of Nicorette gum….they gasp….some faint…..some reach up & feel my head for a fever… others  begin praying…most  run for cover.. I say…hold up…hold on…lets not get ahead of ourselves here…this is as far as I’ve gotten….so…….Friday, Bryan is sitting at the bar and I say…I’ll be right back..I’m gonna go have a cigarette..he says..why don’t you just open that package in your purse…I said Bryan..its a 27 step program and I’m on step 12…don’t rush me….see… you need to follow all the steps to quit smoking….its a process, people, ..Rome was NOT built in a day…allow me to elaborate, my friends, …and please keep in mind.…there are several WEEKS in between these steps…..Step 1 goes a little  something like this…you flick your cigarette out the window and it flies right back and lands in your lap…you yell motherf**cker!!...as you are swatting at your leg, then your crotch…wait..now its on the floor…ITS IN MY SHOE!!!..(this usually happens at least 20-30 times before you move to step 2)…Step 2 You walk into Sams Club and casually inquire where the Nicorette gum might be…not that you want it…you know..just to know…Step 3 …you cautiously enter the aisle at Sams Club that sells NIcorette…strangely enough..its adjacent to the tobacco aisle…(what sicko set that up?)….you immediately divert to tobacco in a cold sweat, the room starts spinning, you briefly black out….Step 4 ..you actually stand in front of the box of Nicorette…you begin conversing with it…..”so, can you really help me?...do you have what it takes?...why should  I believe you”…strangely enough the Nicorette aisle is ALSO adjacent to the pharmacy…the pharmacist emerges and tells you that Nicorette is not recommended for people currently on  psychiatric medication….Step 5…You throw the box in your cart….halfway to the checkout…you toss it in one direction and briskly walk in another…..Step 6…You march straight into Sams Club, throw the Nicorette in your cart…roll up to checkout…RIGHT before she scans it you say..”what?..what is that?...how the hell did that get in my cart?...uhhhh…that’s not mine…you show no embarrassment whatsoever for the industrial strength Ben Gay , Ricky Martins Greatest Hits, the book “How to get skinny by living off Asparagus Juice”, and the 13lb box of Junior Mints....but the Nicorette?.. its just too much….Step  6….You do it…you jump off the deep end…wearing a hat, dark glasses and sporting a fake accent..you actually buy the Nicorette…Step 7…3 weeks later you find the box in the back seat of your car…(hey..so that’s where it went..oooh, look…there’s my shoes, …hey..I’ve been looking for that shirt…suddenly you feel like its Christmas in the back seat of your car…Step 8..Even though you are convinced your house will treat the Nicorette  similarly to the Amitiyville Horror…(GET OUT!!!)..you are pleasantly surprised (or horrified) that your fireplace does not begin speaking to you…Step 9…you actually put the package in your purse aka “the black hole” with the intent to possibly maybe kind of sort of just MIGHT use it…….Step 10..your purse rejects it…spewing it across the room like something out of the Exorcist….Step 11….You casually show it to your friends the same way you might show them a mole on your leg…uh…so..what do you think about this????…Step 12….you decide writing about it is much better than actually using it…

See…I told you..I’m currently on Step 12 and feeling pretty good about it…this quitting smoking is much easier than I thought it was gonna be….Sheesh…why doesn’t everyone quit?...(I know…I know…It’s a process, people…)

Until next time

 

 

So..it's pretty common knowledge now that I had to fire my manager out at the Rose and take over managing the place myself...I knew there was going to be a ton of stuff to do..and I knew he wasn’t going to go away quietly but what I wasn't prepared for were the threats....I've owned bars for 6 six years and I've never "fired "anyone...my philosophy is..you get yourself fired...you chose to make the decision that got you fired...not me..…anyway…I knew there would be some things coming like the “Emergency” complaint to the the Health Department stating I had no running water (lady walks in..turns on the 2 faucets and leaves..gosh, they just love wasting a tank of gas on a phony complaint..at $3.50 a gallon, people lose their good sense of humor) but what I wasn’t prepared for was my employees calling to tell me that my ex manager  and his buddy waited across the street from the bar and followed them home…ok..thats not funny… I  can deal with the Health Department but following someone home is just plain dangerous…So I do what any normal city person would do….(now I say city person for a reason..see… people in the country “take care” of their own problems..IF you know what I mean)..So I figure I better call the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department and maybe let them know what’s going on and see what, if anything can be done…now mind you..when I get the phone call from the Rose  I’m currently on the phone with Baseline because a server didn’t show up,(who?..who didn’t show up…..”uhhhhh…your daughter”)… we are out of Captain Morgan(flash some cleavage and serve Kilo Kai..next!)....the misters don’t work( I’m on it)..we are having a Newcastle Promo but we only have Newcastle bottles (uhhh…how is this a problem?) and the big 911 here folks…one of my employees lost their $57 check and can I call the accountants and have one reissued AND call the bank and stop it..?..really?...don’t these people make $100-$250 a day in tips?..If your $57 dollar paycheck for 2 weeks  is the difference between life and death then I really just can’t help you…oh, did I mention that I’m currently in Petmart pushing a cart with two 50lb bags of dry dog food and 30 cans wet food with the phone to my ear...So I call the Maricopa County Sherriff’s Department and I shit you not people…it goes exactly like this…..……yes..hello..no, this isn’t an emergency….I need to speak to someone about some indirect threats made to myself, my employees and my property…yes, I can hold…..(Ma’am…do you have a Petsmart card?...will that be cash or credit?...would you like to donate $1 to Pets in Need?....do you have time to take a brief survey?.....)….ugh!!!!!.....yes, hello?...no, this isn’t an emergency… I need to speak to someone about some indirect threats made to myself, my employees and my property….what city?..Arlington...yes, Arlington, ARIZONA……what?.. I need to contact my local law enforcement?...I apologize, but I thought that was you?...oh…Ohhhhh…that area is a different number…ok...you’re gonna transfer me?..ok..thank you…yes, hello…no this isn’t an emergency…..I need to speak to someone about some threats…what kind of threats?...my employees, myself and my property…..sure…sure, I can hold…(outside temperature 112 degrees….temperature on the asphalt outside Petsmart…200 degrees ….is some idiot walking their dog across the asphalt into Petsmarts?..really?  God, I hate stupid people…lets see that dumb f**cker walk from his car across the parking lot without his shoes…maybe I should just call in a homicide right now….I wonder if it would be any faster)….yes..hello?...what is the nature of my call?....uhhh…ummmm…...I don’t remember

 

 

So I have about a million things to tell you regarding the takeover of the Desert Rose but lets  ease into that shall we…I don’t want your head to explode….I promise I will have these Rants rolling a few times a week at this rate…but I want to share a particularly good story from Monday night….So I go to the Rose Monday night and since I’m not 100% sure how the firing of all the employees is going to go, I decide to take some back up….So I have Trevor, Scott, Eric and Texas Bryan….its dark out when the employees clear out and when I say dark..I don’t mean city dark with street lights and such..I mean country dark where you need a flashlight to see 2 ft ahead of you…Scott says..there is someone living in the trailer out back..do you want us to go find out who it is?...I say “yes…but be careful”…So as Eric is changing locks..yelling profanities and basically cursing my name….the other 3 take a walk out back…now understand..I have 5 acres at the Rose and this trailer is on the back of the property….I’m sitting out front having a cigarette with Diva and about 15 minutes later some guy comes walking around my building…scares the shit out of me…who the hell walked up?...how did he get here?...where are my guys?...he introduces himself and says he’s living in the trailer out back..(I’m thinking..where the hell is Scott & Trevor & Texas?...I’m kinda panicking right now…this guy does not look threatening so how the hell did he take out all three of my guys?...ok…I still have Eric but the door is closed because he’s changing the lock..will he hear me if I yell?...)..just as I’m formulating my escape, the guys come around the corner .  Now lets look at this from the Trailer Guys point of view…3 guys show up at his door when it’s pitch black and ask him if he can step outside…Apparently he says “hell no”…they inform him they are there on my behalf and I would just like to introduce myself to him.. no harm..no problem..just a simple introduction…Apparently he does not believe this so he waits for them to walk away then sneaks around to the front of the building and this is where I meet him…the guys emerge from the side of the building and say “there he is..”….and introduce me to him….I talk to him for a few minutes (very, very nice guy)…but I notice that Trevor, Scott & Bryan are being REAL quiet…this, my friends, is VERY unusual…we shake hands..the guy walks away and I look at my 3 and say “what the fuck is going on”…Scott says “AJ…there are just no words..there…how…uhhh…”…..I look at the other 2 and they just bust out laughing…I say.”Spit it out..what’s going on?”…Apparently when the guy didn’t open the door..Scott decided to peek in the window…Apparently this man wasn’t wearing anything but socks and a speedo…..THEN…he did open the door…this is what Scott said to me verbatim..”AJ..think about it..his trailer isn’t on the ground…so when he opened the door he was a few feet above me..…AJ..I was standing at package level!!! …Eye level to the black speedo!!!”……hahahahahahahah….MAN I WISH I COULDA SEEN SCOTTS FACE….hahahaha…anyway…the boys recovered from their brief emotional scarring and Bryan went on to become a legend that night by scaring the shit out of Scott and Trevor…THAT, my friends, is the best story ever…I’ve tried to write about it but it just loses too much in print…I HAVE to tell you in person…better yet…Come to Baseline tonight at 8pm and let Scott & Bryan tell you…it, my friends, is hilarious…

 

 

Now if you don’t manage a bar…you probably have no idea what goes into planning an event….even a small event is a tremendous amount of work….(it takes a village to produce an event…)…I consider an event with less than 300 people a “small” event…I have an event every February that gets about 2000 people…THAT, my friends, is a production….but I digress…so now I invite you to sit back…smoke if ya got em…relax and enjoy…I want you to get a real feel..a REAL understanding of the” behind the scenes” of “Spaghetti Wrestling “..So fasten those seatbelts, folks, and enjoy the ride……7am..Mike:  “Where the fuck are you guys?...wake up…I knew I was gonna be setting up by myself”…7:46am Seth : “Your stage is built, your lights are done, please lose my phone number”…….9am…the event draws first blood, Mike is bleeding…10 am.. Holy shit, Baseline is packed..oh yeah, now I remember, big party coming in…Joe only reminded me TEN TIMES….11am Mike is bartending & washing dishes….Steve is waiting tables…12pm..I call Diva, no answer, I begin to panic  …1pm Plumbing nightmare…all drains backed up at the bar …1pm Kitchen guys start cooking spaghetti…2pm..no plumber…I call Diva & leave her a message “call me and tell me all the bikini wrestlers have confirmed or I will hang myself here and now”….2pm..Kitchen guys stop speaking to me….Diva calls…says everyone confirmed and please don’t kill yourself until AFTER  the event... 3pm Plumber finally shows up….is he speaking English or Polish?...I don’t care..I point at the drain….Mike still bartending & washing dishes…Steve is still waiting tables…4pm Kitchen guys begin plotting my death, looks elaborate, they roll out their plans like a blueprint ..(is that a Hangmans Gallow?) …I say “Mike, where is the amp?...”..he says talk to Seth  not me…I call Seth, no answer…I call again…no answer.. I begin to hyperventilate…Mike says “put this paper bag over your head”..I say..I thought you’re supposed to breathe into the bag…He says “I just don’t wanna look at cha anymore”…..5pm…why, Dear Lord,  is the plumber still here?...5:15 ..Walk into Walmart..”hi..I need something to plug a microphone into?...do you have anything like that?...even a karaoke machine?”…the kid looks at me like I’ve asked him to eat a dead rat..he says “Uh..no”…I said “gee, you didn’t even look around..are you sure? This is very important”…now he give me the look like he smelled something very very bad…you know that look …and once again he says “uhhhh..nooooooo”…5:21pm Note to self…buy voodoo doll of Walmart kid and stab it repeatedly  …5:25 hysterical call to Seth…sounds something like this *&^&%^$$%#*^%%^ MICROPHONE!...he assures me he has one and mumbles something very similar to “crazy bitch” as he’s hanging up….6pm…Diva calls..UFC has started..we have no exterior lights and no wristbands…Diva begins to panic ….6:05  “Uhhhh AJ…were you going to SHOW the fight you’re charging for?..its not on any of your TV’s…..6:10 Kitchen guys threaten mass suicide if they see I more piece of spaghetti…6:15 Diva calls…”uh..some guy says there was a piece of metal in his food and the entire party of 60 is going to walk out…Diva begins to hyperventilate…..6:30pm.. one of my kitchen guys officially drops dead.…7pm arrive back at Baseline…Seth is having a meltdown..Diva is having a meltdown…Mike looks at me for the 12th time today and says “I hate you”……7:01 Kitchen guys call a human rights attorney apparently  85lbs of spaghetti is their breaking point…..Scott says”what can I do AJ, how can I help?”..I say “Kill me, just kill me now” …Harrington arrives to help and literally passes out in the corner….7:18 the plumber is speaking to me…”where ees zee line for zee street?”…(What?.).  am I taking crazy pills?   Why can everyone understand him but me?…..my vision blurs…I begin to hallucinate..I see the Care Bears….7:19pm Clemons arrives…I say”hey, I’ve missed you ..now sit over there and work the door”….I yell RILEY..RILEY..WHERE THE F**CK IS RILEY?..he taps me on the shoulder, he is literally right next to me….I overhear whispers.”.AJ…nervous breakdown…straight jacket”…..7:32pm  No exterior lighting…none ….Mike decides to walk out, Diva tackles him before he makes his getaway…7:46 no ice…none whatsoever…not 1 effing cube…14 guys volunteer to leave and go get it….Scott says what can I do BESIDES kill you?...8:13  Mike looks at me for the 23rd time today and says “I hate you”….8:14pm Harrington is STILL passed out in the corner…8:15pm.. Realize the karaoke machine sucks…the bullhorn sort of works and the crowd is getting REAL antsy….8:37pm.. Start filling the pool with spaghetti…find a suicide note in it from my kitchen guy….8:38pm Mixing the spaghetti around…I look at Mike and say…”uhhh..this is mushy and waaaaay overcooked..I think we’re screwed here”…he says “please don’t speak to me….ever..again”…8:57pm AHHHHHH….Something snaps in my brain…I begin shuffling in circles drooling….9:07pm ..Are we ready?..music? lights? Judges? Wrestlers? Security? Microphone? I begin to black out from the stress….where is my whistle? Where is my whistle?..WHERE IS MY F**CKING WHISTLE?...Mike smacks me in the middle of the forehead and says “mosquito, I swear”….11:47 I get tossed in the spaghetti pit….12:01am Someone throws a full cup at the stage..it shorts out my receiver and  hence ends the music…12:07am Paul Yaffe gets thrown in the pit..12:08 I get “Coaches Honor”..an entire bucket of ice water dumped over my head…12:12am I disrobe and throw all my clothes in the trash…12:27am.. Tijana’s face swells up like a blowfish…she says “ I think I might be allergic to spaghetti..does my face look bad?”…. Mike, Scott, Steve, Riley & I are speechless…...Mike says “have you ever seen the movie “Hitch?”…. 1:13am We conjure up just enough energy to get to the Waffle House…the waitress sees us and tries to lock the door….2:33am Arrive home catatonic…5am….Alarm goes off….6am Sitting outside at Baseline…completely  catatonic…just staring at the aftermath…mouth agape…mumbling to myself….I begin conversing with the pigeons…...”who’s idea was this?...who talked me into this…? ..Why aren’t you guys eating this?”….   6:01am.. Realize it was me…..begin cutting my wrists with a dull butterknife…6:07 Seth arrives with 4 guys to clean everything up , gently takes the butterknife out of my hands and starts on his own wrists….7am Mike arrives with a Starbucks and says “don’t talk to me…don’t say an effin word… I need time to recover”….I say…How much time?.....a week?...2 weeks?....he says “yeah”….I scoot back…waaaaay out of backhand space and say “oh good, cause we’re doing it again on Sept 24th”…

Until next time...

Patience…..lets talk a little bit about patience today, my friends….there are many directions we could go with this..such as… AJ has no patience…none whatsoever….hey…at least I can admit it….once my ex said to me…do you realize how impatient you are?...do you realize that when you say let’s go…if I’m not in the car in 10 seconds, you leave without me?..? (just for the record…it was only that 1 time and I needed a Starbucks and he didn’t even want one anyway soooooo….why wait ?...I went to Circle K without him…hahahaha)….but I digress…you see….we are talking about my polar opposites now, folks, the people with the patience of a saint…Buddist Monk Patience…Dalai Lama patience…yes the people at the very top of the list….drumroll please…..the waitresses at Waffle House at 2am……See…you’re nodding…cause its true…..the drunk people they put up with would even make a Monk step into oncoming traffic….so of course…my friends really have to give her a run for her money….we decide to go to Waffle House Wednesday nite…approx 12:30am….To say Scott is in rare form would be an understatement…and Diva?...don’t even get me started….it takes the waitress almost 15 full minutes to get our order…15 minutes….why? You ask?...because the guys needed to know every single solitary thing about her…(are you single?...do you date girls or guys?...is that a pimple or a piercing on your face?...do you like Harleys?...do you want to go for a ride?..why would you pierce your forehead…that’s stupid….why do you work here?...what do you eat?...do you have alcohol here?...can you run to Circle K & get us some?...you have a weird name..why do you have a weird name?.....etc etc etc…) ..now this entire banter is at a very loud decibel….I look at the girl and say..”please just place my order right now..I’d really like to eat before you throw us out of here”…Now Diva has her leg on the counter because she burned her leg on a bike & she wants to show everyone….(where is my food?)…Steve is asking our waitress if she’s bi-sexual..(Oh Lord..where  IS  my food)…oh, look…now Scott is BEHIND THE COUNTER…(please oh please let me get my food…I give it 10 seconds before we are kindly asked to leave)….Now Diva is laying on the counter and Scott is taking pictures….(thank God…my food..hallelujah)…I do my best to completely ignore my friends while I’m eating…(impossible)…I get the check, overtip and try to herd my group out the door…(“AJ...where are we going now?....Back to Baseline?...back to Bettys?...your house?...)…..uhhhh…yeah…sure guys….I’ll meet you back there…..

Until next time, hey, here’s whats even funnier…about 2 weeks ago…Bryan said…AJ, you should keep Baseline open from 2-4 am and serve food…you have great food and everyone wants to eat when the bars close…now in theory, I thought this was a fabulous idea….I was actually figuring out who to schedule and when to start….after taking a good hard look at all the people in Waffle House (uhhhh…my group being the worst)…I think we best leave the middle of the night food industry to the professionals..aka..Waffle House…(wait…unless I can get them to work here….hey…now there’s an idea)

 

 

So I’m invited to a birthday dinner on Saturday nite…I know the birthday boy but not all that well…quite frankly  I was a little surprised to be invited to the dinner…I knew of the after party at the Dogg but the dinner I thought would be for close friends only….Regardless…He has rented a huge mini van to pick up all the guests…I politely decline to ride on the bus...I call Scott Wagner for a ride....Sooooo…we arrive at the restaurant just a few minutes before the “party bus” and I notice everyone is dressed rather nicely…all the women are wearing dresses and heels and I’m wearing…..well..we ALL know what I’m wearing… black pants, grey “wifebeater”, red chucks, & a dog tag…(you know, I just never have those..”what am I gonna wear? “ moments anymore…hahaha)…So the birthday party is seated and about 3 minutes after we sit down…the owner sets a bottle of Russian Vodka on the table…and so it begins…Lets just suffice it to say 2 things…(1)..oh hell no….you all know better..I don’t drink vodka.. EVER….(2) every other woman at the table did….before we ever got to the Dogg…the entire birthday group was sauced…..Now you may be asking yourself…why is this important?..why are we even talking about this?...big deal..people always get drunk at a birthday party…especially if they’re not driving…well, my friends, you see, there were drunk guys and drunk girls and let me tell you what….I’D PICK DRUNK GUYS ANYDAY OVER DRUNK WOMEN…..lets see….the drunk guys: drinking, laughing, dancing, high fiving, hugging, smiling, yep…just fun fun fun….(see, I have to sit outside at the Dogg (damn Smoker)..but I can see everybody and all the guys come out every few minutes to either steal my cigarettes or just hang out with me)….the drunk women: sloppy, angry, emotional, starting fights, starting arguments, disrobing (now you KNOW its bad when a beautiful woman just lifts her skirt for everyone to see her “no panties” and 10 minutes into the nite, no one wants to see it anymore)…..Guy banter: “ Yo AJ! Whats up girl!...”..”hey AJ, thanks for coming out with us tonite”…”Hey AJ, do you need another drink?”..AaaaaaaJaaaaaaay, you rock, girl”..”Shots?, come on girl, just 1 shot with the boys”…..Girl banter..”so, how do you know my boyfriend?”…”how come you got to ride on a bike?”..”Is that your REAL hair?”…”yeah, I had dermals a loooong time ago, I took them out, they look trashy”…is Kenny your boyfriend?”….Is Erik your boyfriend?”…”is Scott your boyfriend?”……See….guys just talk to you out in the open….women wait to “talk” to you until you go to the bathroom…then you’re trapped….(note to self…use men’s restroom from here on out)….Aaaaahhhhh…..no dull moments here people, no dull moments…I think the reason all the women are nice to me at Shotguns is because Johnathon House told them all I was actually a guy…..hahahaha…. And you wonder why I drink with the boys….

Until next time,

AJ

 

One really cool thing about my house is..there are no lights on my street so its very dark outside at night…I love sitting outside but every once in a while it gets a little creepy…mostly when the dogs start barking at something I can’t see…yesterday I was outside and it occurred to me that perhaps if I’m not crazy about the idea of a handgun..maybe I should get some pepper spray…and that was it..I just bust out laughing…I have a great pepper spray story for you…..Flash back 20 years…I work at Bandaids….its about half an hour before we open and I waitress that day….Kristi Jo is the bartender…I’m wiping down tables on the floor and the DJ is getting all set up and I walk up into his station to chat…the DJ booth is about 3-4 steps up…there is a chair up there and that’s usually where I perch anyway to keep an eye on all my customers so I’ve noticed many times that there are about 5 cans of pepper spray in the DJ booth..one looks like a fire extinguisher…so  with no music on..I can finally chat with Frank and I ask him…why the hell are all those there? And do they even work?...he says…they’ve always been there and hell..I don’t know if they work…so he grabs one and just aims it over the side of the booth and sprays it….the spray comes out and he says…it works….Flash Forward…5 minutes….time to open the bar…..where is Kristi Jo…she isn’t behind the bar….I go in the office and I can hear her on the phone…I hear her say Ruben so I know she’s calling our AC guy…always AC problems at Bandaids….she says …I need to talk to Ruben right now…its an EMERGENCY….(wow..an AC emergency?...its cool in the building…what could be wrong…now I’m curious) …so I sit my butt on the desk and give her the what’s up look….she puts her finger up telling me to wait…..conversation goes something like this…….Yes, I need to speak to Ruben right now…it’s a total emergency…put him on the phone….I don’t care if he’ s in a walk in on a ladder..this is an emergency….Ruben! Ruben?....oh thank God…its Kristi Jo….I need you to come to Bandaids right now …there is some sort of hot death coming out of the AC vent…I walked under it and something shot out…some sort of spray (oh no)…I couldn’t breathe and it burned like a son of a bitch (OH NO)….my eyes were stinging...I couldn’t even see for a minute…(Uhhhhh….Krisiti Jo…hang up)….no Ruben, I’m not overreacting……I’m telling you…there is some sort of HOT DEATH SHOOTING OUT OF THE VENT….(uhhhh…Krisiti Jo….I need to tell you something…….she puts her “wait a minute finger” up)…thank you Ruben…10-15 minutes? …good…I just can’t open the bar until you get here…..She looks at me and I get up off the desk…I start walking backwards towards the door and I say…..uhhhh…you know all those cans of pepper spray in the DJ booth?.....well…..uhhhhh……I think Frank shot you with one when you walked by…………………………..

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha…..yep, just like that….I threw Frank under the bus…..oh well…. He deserved it…..anytime there was a fight in the bar I would run over and get Frank then run back and deal with it…every time…every effin time I would have the fight settled or have the guys outside and Frank would walk up…I’d say…great timing dickhead …(Frank had long hair and he’d walk out with his hair in a pony tail) ....he’d say…you know I have to tie my hair back if I’m gonna get in a fight AJ…you know I have to find a hair tie first before I can help….riiiiiight….that “hair tie” kept Frank out of every confrontation at Bandaids for 7 years….

Until next time,

AJ

 

Captains log: Stardate: Saturday July 30…..11pm ish…at the front door of a bar in Scottsdale….my friend Mike’s a little bored and decides to comment to every guy walking through the door…”Hey, your sister wants her shirt back…yo, Baby Gap, I’m talking to you…”..then every girl that walks through the door gets  “ hey baby..how you dooooin”…….I look at my friend Scott and say..”hey…I’m pretty sure we’re gonna get in a bar fight…”(so maybe I wasn’t SOOOO innocent in this whole thing…I MAY have done the “hey baby..how you doooin” thing once or twice….BUT…from another female…I think it just diffused everything)…so now it’s about 12…maybe 1 ish and I would really like to hang out with my friend Brian Clemons…he works nights and sometimes 7 days a week so I just don’t get to see him all that often…I text him and he’s in Chandler so we all leave Scottsdale to go meet Clemons..  (its Texas Bryan, Erik, Scott, Riley , Mike & me)…get to Dos Gringos and Clemons is feeling no pain (ok..he’s pretty drunk) so I sit at the 1 open seat at the bar and all the guys are just standing up ….now of course..I’m sitting next to a woman and shes wearing a halter dress…the kind with the strings that tie behind your neck…and she’s got her hair up so those strings are right there….now I’m talking to Texas..looking the other way and I see Clemons in my peripheral vision reaching out to pull the string on this woman’s dress…I reach over to smack his hand away but he brushes that string anyway and the woman turns around…(by the way..very important information here…she’s with a man….boyfriend?  Husband?  Who knows?....)…I immediately say…it was just me…I was just pretending to pull your string….she says ok and turns back around…..Clemons reaches over again and gently tugs on that string….I look at Bryan and say…”I’m pretty sure we’re gonna  get in a bar fight”…once again I tell her its me….and sure as shit…she turns around…looks straight at Clemons and says…”do you want to see them?”…he says..”hell yeah”….and what do you think …yep…just like that…right in the middle of a completely packed bar…this woman reaches behind her head , pulls that string and just drops the top half of her dress right there……now we are all a little speechless…wait…..it gets better….her boyfriend or whatever the hell he was reaches around to cover one of her breasts….Clemons moves the guys hand and leans down and kisses her breast…” I look at Bryan and said..get ready for it…here comes the bar fight”……nope…nothing…not 1 word…..whew…dodged that bullet right?...about 10 seconds later….10 damn seconds she hops up on her barstool and leans over the bar to get the bartenders attention….I’m thinking…can anyone really be this dumb?  Really?...Clemons is standing right behind her…go ahead…you know it …we all know it….yep..he just gently lifts that dress right up over her hips…..little tiny white g string ….who are these women….can we get them to come to Baseline?  …where exactly do I sign up for this….”looking for women that enjoy taking their clothes off in public when they’re drunk..”  …what do you think?  Craiglist?  ..”Wanted: women with absolutely NO inhibitions when drinking…willing to disrobe at the drop of a hat…must have nice body…please apply in person at Baseline Sports Bar”….yeah?....what do you think?  ….We post it today…see what happens?...oh…how did it end?...Clemons got her number……hahahaha……(Brian, I sure hope you don’t read my rants but if you do…I HAD to tell this story…It was just too good to keep to myself.)

Until next time…

 

Did I ever tell you about my very very brief experience with E Harmony?....If you’ve never done the EHarmony thing…be prepared….be forewarned….the profiling takes forever…..approximately 37 pages of profiling…..I think the FBI does less profiling than E Harmony…hey, they should just hit up E Harmony if they need a COMPLETE list of your every single thought , action, & intention…but I digress….why am I telling this blast from the past story anyway?....because I met someone for drinks last nite and felt a strange déjà vuie (yes, I just said déjà vuie)  sensation…..anyway………Flash back….I make it through the entire profiling process and hundreds of men pop up as a “perfect match” for my type…(gosh, I wonder what my “type” is…..zip it …all of you)…..now on the questionnaire…and on ANY  questionnaire…I think we are all a bit prone to say what we think we’re supposed to say…(admit it, we all do it)…but EHarmony asks you the same questions in a different way over and over so I’m thinking at some point you’re true colors come out….anyway…so of the hundreds of men…I notice one is named AJ….hmmmm….I think…well …that’s a good sign right there right?.....now you can’t just call or email someone through EHarmony…it’s a process….the reason I’m telling you all this is because it actually took some time to before I could talk to this guy…..First thing you’re allowed to do is send him 5 pre set questions….then he answers and sends you 5 questions back…seriously…I shit you not….so his profile says Occupation:  Medical Field/ Carpenter…….I’m thinking..does he build hospitals?  What does that mean?...says he makes about 75 grand a year….says he lives in..(wait….one of you might know him so I’m gonna skip that part)….ANYWAY..we eventually get on the phone and I kid you not….it goes pretty much like this……Me: “So AJ….looks like you have horse property….lots of room….do you enjoy living up there?”   (He steps up to bat..)….”yeah…its ok…its not my house…I live with my dad”  (hmmm, strike one)…Me: “so do you come down to Phoenix often?”…..”uh….well I don’t have a car so I can only get to town when I can use my dad’s truck”  (hmmm, strike 2….did I mention he’s my age)……. Me: “how do you get to work without a vehicle”…..”oh I don’t have a job right now …see,  I can’t really work or go anywhere with this ankle bracelet”…..(Ankle bracelet?......I’m sorry…could  you speak into my good ear?...I thought I heard you say “ankle bracelet”…..yep….wait for it…. ..STEEE RIKE 3…You’re outta here!!!).   So with 37 effin pages of profiling this is what I get from EHarmony ?........So last nite?….that my friends, is a another full Rant. (Actually, it was kind of funny because I saw my friend Kenny there and he was on a date…I talked to him for a minute and left them alone and about 20 minutes later my phone is blowing up…”are you on a date with Kenny?...you and Kenny are dating?....why are you and Kenny sneaking around?”......Really?........Really?!?)

Until next time….Just Say No……hahaha

 

Lets talk about my dermals today…shall we….as they seem to generate lots of attention.   Why do I have dermals?....well…why the hell not?... I have no tattoos and I get a little weird around my birthday so I decided to do something a little out of the ordinary….(I know..I know….like anything about me is ordinary….hows my hair?  Hows my hair?).     Anyway…if for some bizarre reason you haven’t seen them….shame on you….but I have a band of dermals on my left arm.    People are very curious about them and for some reason….people ALWAYS want to touch them…..usually goes something like this….”are those things glued on your arm?”….no, they’re dermals..piercings?.....”WHAT?!...those are pierced IN your arm?”…..yes, yes they are………….”can I touch them?”…..(people ask this as they are reaching out to touch them ….why ask if you’re gonna do it anyway?)…..This is better than flicking them which a rather intoxicated man decided to do at the bar the other nite….walked up to me …looked at them….leaned in closer to get a better look….and literally flicked one of them......(I actually haven’t seen him since…perhaps one of my friends killed him….hahaha…just kidding).   So yesterday…after a very long day I decide I’m not going out, I’m going to stay home and clean my house.   Realizing I have no cleaning products, no sponges, no paper towels etc…..I zip over to the Walmart grocery store which is minutes from my house.   As I walk in, I see a Red Box and I wander over figuring maybe I’ll pick up a movie for this evening.   As I’m half heartedly gazing at the movie selection…I notice a woman pass by…..she backs up and says…”hey…what are those?...are those piercings?....I had piercings years ago …..are they the cockscrew ones? Or are they anchored?...they are awesome…..totally sexy……”……I say “thank you, thank you very much, they are anchored in the skin” and I turn back toward the Red Box thinking our conversation is over…..She is standing about 1 foot away from my ear when she yells…”MA ..!!!  MA…!!! COME HERE….COME LOOK AT THIS…..MA…OVER HERE!!!!”……….I try to regain my equilibrium from the direct shout into my ear when this woman I’m assuming is her mother comes over…..I’m not really sure what the mother is saying because I’m still trying to recover from the direct shout in my ear as I now hear the mother say…”GEORGE!!! …..GEORGE!!!! …OVER HERE…NO..NO..OVER HERE!!!....COME LOOK AT THIS LADIES ARM!!!”……………Thank you, double shot in the ear….mother and daughter….oh look, everyone in Walmart is staring….oh, and look….a small crowd around my arm….( I just wanted a movie…you know…like everyone else….you choose a movie, swipe your card, and you’re on your merry way…no conversation…no people…no crowds…no drama…it’s a damn Red Box for Christs sake)…….yes, daughter, mother and I assume George are all touching my piercings…..I shit you not, my friends, ……and it even gets better…..I take a couple steps back and say”thanks…thank you…I gotta go”…..and back into someone.  I turn around and immediately apologize to this woman….”I’m so sorry I didn’t see you…”…..she takes one look at me and says….”oh my God…I LOVE your hair”……oh no….oh shit…wait for it….move a little further away….Yep….Mom, Daughter & George all look up from my piercings to my hair …..(I didn’t even notice your hair…its amazing…George isn’t it amazing….I SAID ISN’T IT AMAZING!!!....he can’t hear a damn thing)

Welcome to my world people……..no dull moments………and no….I didn’t get a movie.

Until next time

First of all, I would like to thank everyone that came out to say hello for my Anniversary Party.  It was a wonderful get together of new friends and old friends.  I swore I was just going to drink and mingle but somehow that just didn’t end up working out and there were so many people I just didn’t get to spend any time with.  I apologize.   I got at least 5 text messages that went something like this… “AJ…where are you?  I see KUPD and your girls but not you”. …hahaha, check the pictures, people, I swear I was there.  Lets talk about what happened after the party shall we?.....Captains log: Stardate: 12:30am, Wednesday after my Anniversary Party.   Now as you all know from the pictures, I was wearing a camo bikini top and you may not know I was wearing the camo bottoms as well….(one size fits all is what was on the box…..yeah…one size my ass….maybe if your ass is the size of Diva’s but…..anyway…lets just say the whole thing was a little tight and uncomfortable).  Now right before I left, I slipped that top out from under my A shirt….(House, I better get that back) and left to Dos Gringos.   Arrive: Dos Gringos:  immediately I head for the bathroom because when you ride around on the back of a Harley and you have as much hair as I do, its rather imperative to check it immediately upon arrival at ANY destination.  I decide in the women’s rest room that I’ve just had enough of these camo bottoms….they’re tight and uncomfortable, so I take them off.   There is 1 girl in the bathroom when I come out of the stall and realize that since I don’t have a purse, I’m going to have to throw these in the trash….(now upon reflection….I guess I could have just asked Scott to put them in his pocket….hahahaha….that would have been hilarious now that I think about it…..”Scott…can you please put my panties in your pocket until we leave?”....hahahaha…damn…that’s so  hilarious, I can’t believe I didn’t do It…..I would have asked Kenny but I assume Kenny probably has at least 3-5 pairs of girls panties in his pocket at any given time that he might not have room for mine…..hahahaha….I’m kidding Kenny…wait…he won’t read this….so no, I’m not kidding….)...good lord, where was I ….bathroom…panties…trash…ok.  See, I don’t have  a purse because I rode to the bar on a Harley and I only have my little Marilyn purse with me.   So I tell the girl in the bathroom…I hate to throw these away…I just bought them and only wore them today…..she looks at me and says…look at those tiny little panties, I bet they’ll fit in your little Marilyn bag…..so that’s exactly what I did…her and I are laughing about it and introductions are made and turns out she’s Cage fighting the next nite.  I introduce her to my friends and promise her I will come watch her fight.  Captains log; Thursday; Cage Fight Night.   I round up the boys…(real  difficult to round up a bunch of guys when you’re going to a titty bar….I like to humor myself and pretend they enjoy my company….hahaha) now maybe this part was imperative but I was drinking the night before when I met the cage fighter so my recollection of the whole thing was a bit hazy….(kinda like….what is in my Marilyn bag?....what?...wait..? are these my panties?...how the hell……oh yeah…now I remember…..hahahaha)   Can we go back to asking Scott to put them in his pocket for a second?...thats just hilarious….man, I crack myself up…..anyway….we are in the titty bar for a good hour, maybe 2 when the boys start asking ….”AJ, what is your friends name?....what does she look like?...when does she fight?.....you didn’t get her name?.....what did you talk about in the bathroom?....you were in there forever?.....weren’t you two laughing your asses off when you came out of the bathroom?....didn’t you get in the photo booth with her?....AND you never got her name?.....”   Whats with all the attacking here?  So big deal, right? It’s not like we aren’t having a good time anyway…..so we decide to go….right then a girl walks in carrying duffel bags…she looks at me and says “AJ !!!!  I can’t believe you came out here to watch me fight!!! I’m so excited you made it….AND you brought your friends….!”……I said….I told you I’d come watch you fight….oh…and by the way…..what IS  your name?

Welcome to my world people…..it’s all just good clean alcohol induced fun…….hahahahaha

Until next time………..

AJ



At least twice a week, the second my eyes open in the morning I just bust out laughing......Seriously....I just bust...out...laughing.  ( There are soooooo many things I would like to share with the group but I just can't....too many people read this now.....well at least 12..maybe 15 and those are the people that are so damn entertaining that I desperately want to write about them. ) Captains Log: Stardate: Saturday night...1:45 am....30 minutes until I get irrigation....leaving the bar  and my phone is ringing....its SRP Irrigation....now mind you ...I'm in Chandler...I think....The lady from SRP says "Ms Hunter....would it be possible for you to take water now?"....I'm thinking...hmmmm extra water...thats weird...hey, its been really dry and I'm thinking this is a good thing for me....I said, sure, give me 10 minutes to get home....she says your neighbor is ready to send it to you right now...I said ok, thanks.......yeah.....let ...me..tell.....you....why...........Apparently it rained .....not ANYWHERE in the Tempe, Scottdale, Chandler area....oh no....do you know where it rained?   RIGHT ABOVE MY F**CKING HOUSE...because when I pulled up to my house my yard looked like I already got irrigation...(note to self..you been HAD sister) Irrigation off at 6am.....need sleep...can't sleep...go to Baseline, work til 11am...need food......Cracker Barrel?  Really?..... who the f**ck goes to Cracker Barrel?  There are restaurants that don't serve alcohol? Who goes to these places?  What is this insanity?  Hey, I might not want a Makers Mark at 10am BUT what if I did?  I sure like to keep my damn options open here folks....anyway...where was I ?  Oh  yeah.........I went against my will is all I'm gonna say...Standing in Cracker Barrel and this woman walks up to me...(she's probably about 50, maybe 55 and she's with what I assume is her daughter)....and she says "excuse me...hope you don't mind me saying this but... you have the sexiest body I have ever seen... I just can't stop staring at it......it's just amazing"......hahahahahaha suddenly I see Cracker Barrel in a whole new light.....hey,this place aint so damn bad......hahahaha
Until next time.....
Hey...come out for my Anniversary....its been 6 fun crazy insane stressful years that I've owned Baseline now.  Its important to me...so please come out on Wednesday...7/13 Baby....fun starts at 8pm.   KUPD will be there from 9-11pm....Jager Girls...Miller Girls...Baseline Babes and Diva is going to dance for me...(not like that you perv)....Diva is actually a bad ass dancer on a hip hop team and she's gonna dance for me.  Some of you have been with me the whole time.....some of you I've just met....but the best relationships I've ever had in my entire life are all connected through Baseline Sports Bar....   See you then,
AJ

If for some reason you do not know, Mitchell & I were together for about 17 years.  We went our seperate ways in 2006, quite amicably actually, see...people just tend to grow apart.  What we had in common was raising our kids.  I will never forget sitting at my huge dining room table after dinner one night in early 2006.  When everyone was done eating, they all got up and left ( Mitch, to the shop....kids, out with their friends).  I was sitting there looking around my big house and realized one day the kids would be gone and an overwhelming sadness came over me.  (actually, I was concerned because I thought...what the hell are Mitchell and I going to do when the kids are gone?  We have nothing in common anymore, we hardly ever talk...we are going to be strangers in this big house)  So the next day I told Mike Agne.....what am I going to do when the kids leave?  How will I ever deal with that?...I will miss them so much....and Mike, being typical Mike just bust out laughing and said "AJ....I GUARANTEE, that you are going to love an empty nest".     (this man is always right, how is this man always right?  doesn't matter what the hell I ask him....that's it....I'm taking him to Vegas......)    So yesterday, very casually during dinner it happens.....very subtly it is brought up....goes something like this...."I sure love my job at Baseline, Mom,......everyone is so much fun.....I really love working there....(pause...wait for it....) So, I was wondering......if I were to move out of the house, can I keep my job at the bar?".......And there it is folks....there... it... is.....the last little bird in the nest is ready to go.   I've thought about this day.....I actually worried about it......first Xatia left in February.....then Damian left in March.....now Diva is moving out in June........When Xatia was born, I remember my mother yelling "its a girl!! it's a girl!"....I remember falling asleep with Xatia in my arms and my mother telling me it wasn't a good idea...I remember her carefully and quietly taking Xatia and putting her back in the crib...the second my mother left, I picked her back up and fell back to sleep with her in my arms........I remember calling the hospital when I was 7 months pregnant with Damian and saying "something doesn't feel right"....yep, he was born 2 months early....Damian & I were the only 2 people on the Maternity ward at Tempe St. Lukes on December 2, 1990......I remember every single night before I went to bed when I was pregnant with Diva...Mitch would say...now sweetheart, I want to go to bed now...can you please tell me if you want gummy bears now? McDonalds? Wendys? Jack in the Box?....I would say....what am I ? some kind of pig? Good Lord, go to bed.....(3 hours later...."Mitchell....I need gummy bears"...........now this might be the time to let you know that I only ate the clear and pink gummy bears and Mitch was on a first name basis with all the graveyard checkout ladies at Frys as he stood there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT buying gummy bears and throwing away every color but pink and clear.  To this day, I can't even smell a gummy bear without getting sick.)  And now the last little bird is ready to leave the nest...........(sigh).....so I look at Diva and say......actually this works out great because it's starting to get hot and I wanted to move down to the basement anyway.........(Diva's eyes about pop out of her head)...whoa...whoa...Mom...I'm not leaving forever....whoa...I want to keep my room....I'm only moving out for maybe the summer......wait...Mom........Mom......why do you look so happy?.......
Hahahahah, well folks, looks like its just going to be me and my 6 "Good Children" living at the house (the German Sheperds)...........ahhhhhhh...whatever will I do?  ?   I'm sure I'll think of something.
Until next time

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Most of you may not know this but I've been writing AJ's rants for years.  Yes, years.  And until recently, no one ever read them.  Well, with the exception of Mike Agne and Mike No.   So with 2 people actually reading the rants over the past 5 years, I could write whatever I wanted about whoever I wanted, knowing full well that person would never find out what I said. ( then Mike, Mike & I would laugh hysterically about them).   Now things appear to be a little different.  With the invention of social media and email marketing and all that good stuff, people I don't even know read this so I have to be careful...which kind of sucks because lets face it...sometimes people do and say the most idiotic things and it is so fun to write about it. There are just SO many things I want to tell you.  I need to figure out how.  Even if I try to change the names to protect the "innocent", they are going to know I'm talking about them and they are going to be hurt so...here's the deal...you are just going to have to come visit me to hear all the good stuff until I figure this out.  In the meantime, let's talk about some things that are NOT a good idea........3 hours of sleep Thursday before the Golf Tournament...1 hour of sleep the night before.....day before Golf Tournament I ate at 2pm, only meal of the day... day of Golf Tournament....hmmmm, I really don't like beer, I think I'll get a Jack & Diet......wow...that went down smooth....think I'll have another.....driving around with 8 wild and crazy girls, ALL of which I am old enough to be their mother....Hmmmm, there's the Jack Daniels Honey Girl.  I NEVER do shots (you guys know this)...peer pressure from 8 golfers and 8 crazy bikini girls.....well....one can't hurt right? .....pictures......(clothes on)...driving around....hmmmm, can we stop at the clubhouse to get another Jack & Diet......more pictures...clothes on....hey...its the Jack Daniels Honey Girl again......well, what the hell I already did 1, right? whats the harm in 2? ....more pictures....when's the last time I ate?.....yesterday ?  This is where it gets fuzzy, ok, this is where I kinda black out.....(don't you think a black out should involve a pass out?  thats only fair..if you black out you SHOULD pass out) ..call for a ride...get home...where is my truck...who is at my window?....who's bed am I in? (just kidding)....Flash Forward....Sunday morning...hmmm, what is that black stuff on my body?...are there signatures on my body?.......counting my dermals...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, ok..all there...oh boy.....now I'm just looking at my camera.....do I really want to do this?  No..yes...no definitely no...but I have to look at them if I'm going to erase them right?.....here goes...camera on...review......ok...thats ok....oh no...oh hell no....oh Good Lord....I'm too old to behave this way.    Hahahahahahahaha

So what is it about teenagers that make them think you were never a teenager?  For some reason, children never think of their parents as teenagers.  Quick story....my father was the classiest man on the planet.  Impeccable manners...calm demeanor...I used to tell him he should just record his voice and sell it at "Babys R Us" because it would calm any child to sleep.  I never heard my father raise his voice..not once in my entire life.    So every once in a while on one of my trips to Vegas to visit him, I would get a little Jamesons in him and he would start talking about being in the army in Germany when he was 20.....he would say things like...."the German girls would do anything for American GI's...hahaha.....anything....there was this one time..." then he would realize he was talking to his only daughter and try to change the subject.  I would say...please continue dad...please....( I did finally get most of the stories but it literally took YEARS to get them out of him).  Never ever ever thought of my father as a player but.....apparently in Germany...wow...but I digress.....so my child is currently grounded. 2 weeks, no truck, can't leave the house....why? because she made a bad assumption......yep....they ALL do....they assume that you are not going to be awake at 1 in the morning to see if they show up.    Hahahaha...normally I am asleep but it just so happened that I was awake at 1am on Thursday.   So then she did what every teenager does.....she figured f*ck it....I'm already grounded.....might as well stay out all nite.......yep....we ALL did it......well not me, I was a perfect Catholic school teenager with a 3.8 GPA, all girls Catholic High School.....not little innocent me......    My father used to stand at the microwave and if it was 1 minute past your curfew.  1 MINUTE.....1 F**CKING MINUTE.....he would just look at you...shake his head...and not say 1 word....not 1 word but you just knew.   Sometimes the lock would stick on the deadbolt and you'd be standing outside in the snow...your fingers shaking because its freezing out......wearing a miniskirt and high heels......trying to get that key in the deadbolt and ....shit....I dropped the key....nooooo...wait...key in....not turning.......AHHHHHHH!!!! rushing into the kitchen and its 1 minute past curfew...he heard me on the doorstep....he heard me trying to get that f**cking key in the f**cking bolt.....but noooooo, AJ's grounded.  I swear he rigged that deadbolt.  I swear he went to bed laughing everytime that stupid deadbolt would stick.  So until next time.........let me share the funniest damn thing that happened yesterday....Diva & I leave the movie theater and I say...lets go into Rubios..I need a Diet Coke....so we walk up to the counter and "say can we get 2 large drinks" (see....follow along...this is VERY important.....they don't actually pour your drink...they hand you the cup...you pour your own....ok?....got it?...) So the guy puts the 2 cups on the counter...looks right at me and says "will this be for here or to go?"......now I'm stumped.....I look at the cups on the counter and the kid is looking at me waiting for a response...I say....well.....both...I guess....and that's it.....I look at Diva and she's standing in the corner literally crying she is laughing so hard...so now I can't look at her but I can see her in my peripheral vision and shes shaking shes's laughing so hard, I'm now crying because I'm laughing so hard and I just cannot make eye contact with this guys as I'm deperately trying to get 3 bucks out of my purse as tears are running down my face...then you know better...you ABSOLUTELY cannot look at the person who is laughing....I'm trying so hard to hold it together as Diva is hunched over crying....I just throw 4 bucks at the kid and walk away......we laughed for an hour.....my stomach hurt ...it was priceless...absolutely priceless....I'm crying at my desk right now just remembering it.......hilarious.....
Until next time,
AJ
(NJT 701, I'm sorry....I don't remember what I'm sorry for and since you don't remember either...well...it couldn't have been that important)


So Diva & I have a Saturday Tradition...we go to Garage sales.  Little different this time as I did this without a hangover ....yep...I actually went to bed at 9pm on Friday.....really, I did...but it gets even weirder....at 10pm I heard my front door open and I'm thinking WTF?   Who the hell is walking into my house?  Diva is the only other person that lives here and no way she'd be home at 10pm on a friday.....so my bedroom door flings open....Diva throws herself on my bed and says " I hate my friends....why do I even hang out with these people? ....they piss me off......wait....what are you doing in bed on Friday at 10pm? ? ? (my children, so observant)...So 6:46am and Diva and I are out and about.  Blaring music, smoking Marlboros, drinking Starbucks and nothing too interesting at any Garage sale.  We just aren't feeling it, you know,.....so we pass by this park, maybe it was a school and I tell Diva..."you should just drive your truck right thru the goal right there"   Now folks, apparently I was experiencing some lapse of reason...maybe I actually NEED some leftover Makers Mark in my brain on a Saturday or perhaps I just flat out forgot who I was talking to because Diva busts out laughing and up on the curb we go and she hauls ass right into the middle of the park......wait...!!!  whoa...!!!   we are going to be arrested.....!!! we are sooooo going to jail....let me out, I gotta get a picture.....hahahahaha......wow, now what?  how do we top that?......Hmmmmm....lets go hop the curb at Baseline and scare all the people at the Egg.    (hahahahaha, single sober girls are f*cking dangerous)
.

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Until next time Folks, remember, when you see Black Beauty coming at you with the single sober Vixens, just get the hell out of the way.  Now allow me to share some fabulous things I've heard this week.......Diva: "Mike would you like a carrot"  "No Diva, I'd rather die"  ....."AJ, is that Jamesons tattoo a lick off?.......maybe, why? you want to lick it off? ........sure, but its in the wrong place....(hahaha my Gemini friend cracks me up)........."I don't have to pay a cover, I just had sex with the owner 2 days ago" (this almost landed Shawn in the ER when he didn't realize he said this to my daughter, in case you don't know, Diva is my bouncer, bodyguard and Junkyard Rottweiler, Diva is a scrapper that will just punch you first and ask questions later...hahaha)   Tim: "hey AJ, I mean, four eyes, with your fake glasses, why don't you come back to shuffleboard when you find your A game" ........  Harrington: "Hunter, grab me the 9/16 and get your ass under this truck" .......  Dean: "Can I have your chicken"   Strauss: " I just read your rants, we need to talk".........."is that a real tattoo?"....Is your name Jameson?..........Is your boyfriends name Jameson? ......what is Jameson?  (really???) ......Is your name:  Adrian?   Angela?  Apache Junction?   .....Best Text :  ""do you mind riding in an old Bronco with no top...the Bronco, not you...well, hopefully you"  
Hahahaha, you guys kill me.  
AJ

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Now here's something women love to hear:  "Hey AJ, I've already asked everyone else and they all said no but is there any way you want to go to the Improv tonite?   "Wow, Jimbo, you're one hell of a charmer...with an intro like that, how can I say no?"   And so it began....AJ's Adventure on Mill Ave, Friday nite.
Captains Log:  Stardate, Friday April 22
Jimbo says:  hey can we go to a few of my accounts down on Mill?  I want to introduce you to my customers.  Sounds harmless enough right ?  ?    Riiiiight......about 47 Makers Marks later, pictures with everyone and anyone who will pose with me (that would be everyone) ...about 30 glow sticks on my arm......phone #'s from people whom I have no idea why I have their #.....Dancing with Dan.....when did Dan get here?......Where is Jimbo ?........Adam putting me in a cab....getting out of the cab at Baseline....Jimbo walking up and saying " AJ, please stay single.....you're the most fun person to hang out with"   Yeah, Yeah.....thats what I'm here for folks...to entertain you.
Stardate:  Saturday April 23
9am...Look, its my bed...finally.....just want to get in my bed.    Diva:  "oh hell no, get in the car, we're going garage selling"
9:15am   2 Starbucks and 5 cigarettes later I'm practically begging:  "Please Diva....I don't want to drive around anymore...please...I just need to go to bed"
9:30 am.     Laying in my bed....decide to look at my phone........oh...shit....not again.  

Until next time Folks, does anyone want to take me to Mill Ave this Friday ?  Hahahahahaha
AJ

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Some of the funniest things I've heard this week:
"Hey Denny, guess what?  I'm the prize for Hole in One for the Golf Tournament"  "Wow, so thats 2 holes in one for whoever wins"
Conversation with Frogger:   "AJ, I did more push ups than Shawn one day"  "Army Shawn?  We're talking about Army Shawn here Frogger"  "Yeah, Yeah, Army Shawn, right here in your bar too, we just dropped down and did push ups"  "Well, how many did you do? "  "10"
Conversation with Shawn:  "So rumor has it Frogger did more push ups than you, right here in my bar"   "hahahahaha  maybe I just let him do push ups and told him he won"
Andrew:  "AJ, can you change the radio station, one more suicide song and I'm going to hang myself over here"
Conversation with Lyle:  " I saved my fortune for you, where is it...oh shit, I left it in my other purse"  " You have another purse?" Hahahaha....men!
Randall knocking my 3 pointer off the table : "take that BITCH !!"
Dan after I knocked both his 3 pointers off the table: "IMPOSSIBLE!!....!F**CKING IMPOSSIBLE"
Harrington" "Hunter, do you realize you only call me on Thursdays?"
Is your real name Angela?  Amelia?  Angelina? Arianna?  Amy?  Amanda?   (Best so far...Aunt Jemima....wait wait...I think All Juicy was a close second)
"AJ, can you put the Phillies on?   They're a baseball team" ... " I never knew you had blue eyes" .... " hey, I think your boyfriend just friend requested Dalanie...(what Remy LeBeau has a Facebook, I'm hurt)... "What is Makers Mark?" .... "Can I borrow your panties for 5 minutes"....  "What is Diva's real name?"  .... "Hey X, how you been? (really? )" ...."is your Son still in the Army?"..... "Do you drive the Hummer out there?" ....  "Do you work here?" ....   "Are you having a golf tournament?"  .... "Do you have ESPN?" ..... "Are you moonlighting at Christies?".....    "Is that a real diamond?" .... " Do you have Dos XX?  Its a beer" ....   " I never knew you had green eyes"
Man I love you guys, you all keep me laughing,
Until next time,
AJ

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Girls Day off, Wednesday April 13, 2011
Captains log Stardate: above

The mall, new artwork on our nails, trying on Super Sexy Shoes (buying Super Sexy Shoes, I know I know, I'll never wear them...hmmm silver or gold?  For $20 bucks, hell I'll get them both)    Edible shimmer powder? I tell Diva...I wonder if its yummy, she says yes, it is (no I do not want to know how she knows this.)   Hmmmmm....ok I'll buy it. (when I have a boyfriend, I am going to rock his world....did I just say that out loud?) Super Sexy Schoolteacher glasses.
Yep, thats my Wednesday.  Hanging out with Diva from 6am to 10 pm.   Actually there was alot more but thats another story.......(goes like this....Diva..can you see through this shirt?   no Mom, looks fine.....2 hours into dinner....2 HOURS at the restaurant Diva says....I think I was wrong about the whole see thru your shirt thing......WHAT !!!!!!!
Until next time,
AJ
 
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So I had to leave my car at Baseline last nite.  Not that I had too much to drink, mind you, (I did) but because my wonderful child (sort of) called and said " you sound sauced, I'm on my way."  Now purely hypothetically, had I had too much to drink I wouldn't have been concerned about how I was going to get back here in the morning.  But I think I was concerned about it last nite...I think...what happened last nite ....oh yeah...Adam and I smoked EVERONE we played shuffleboard with (does it make you a pedophile to play shuffleboard with a 23 year old?  OMG, I'm a pedophile....but I digress...) So the lovely Diva says, don't worry about your car, I'll bring you back in the morning.  Riiiight.....like Diva is going to be awake at 5am.  (why the hell was I awake at 5am?  Oh yeah, somebody who f**ing blew me off last nite sent me a wonderful : Good Morning AJ at 4:41am......but I'm not bitter....did the gangbangers I sent to beat you up find you this morning?)   Where was I ?   Ummm....Diva....ride.....Yeah, I got it.   So I walk downstairs at 5am and sure as shit Diva wakes up and off we go.  Now every morning I have to stop at Chevron to get my Starbucks.  (Starbucks and Cigarettes, Breakfast of Champions, baby).  Diva & I are the only ones in there at first and then a guy walks in with a gas can.  He almost walks right into me as I'm walking out and he's walking in but he's looking down.  So I say pardon me and he looks up and we make eye contact.  Now its 5am so there are only 2 cars at Chevron:  Divas big black truck and whatever he's driving, right?  So Divas monstrosity of a truck is lifted so I can't see around it until I'm already walking to the passenger door and thats when I see it.  The other car...the only other car there.....how do I even describe this?    Ummm, let me put it as plainly as possibly.  This vehicle clearly belongs to a Homicidal maniac.  No two ways about it folks, this vehicle is downright scary.   Picture an old Lincoln, completely blacked out windows and it looks like its been painted with a paintbrush, greyish, white-ish, silver-ish......oh, I have got to get a picture...hurry up...wake up iphone....wrong button....not camera roll....camera! uhhh...ok...ok..here we go..I turn around with the camera and Mr. Homicidal Maniac is looking right at me.  Now seriously....how do you even play this off ?? Its 5am in the Chevron parking lot...what the hell else could I be taking a picture of ?  the gas pump?  the trash can ?  and we make eye contact again.  But this time I see him in a whole different light.   (Well, good morning Mr. Ted Bundy, please don't kill me, I have a small hangover from drinking rot gut Jim Beam but I swear I wasn't making fun of your super creepy " seen in every scary movie" car.  )   Take Diva...don't take me.   (I'm kidding people...on the take Diva thing not on the Ted Bundy thing).   So needless to say...I didn't get a picture.   So these are the adventures of "I left my car at the bar last night"   I'm sure there will be a Chapter 2.
Until next time,
AJ

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I'm here for my children, as you all know.  No matter what they need, I'm always right there.  It is so strange to enjoy them as "adults" (well, I'm using that term very loosely here).  My children talk to me about everything in their lives, things I want to know and things I most certainly do NOT want to know.  I listen...I try to sort of hum in my head to get past all the sex stuff but I listen anyway.  By the way...if you've ever dated one of my kids...I know everything about you AND I've probably seen the pictures.   (and if you've dated me, you know, all 2 of you, then trust me, Diva knows everything about you.  Damian, not so much, as he likes to tell me things for an hour then I try to tell him 1 thing and he says "Mom, quit, you're grossing me out!.....hey, if I only get 1 comment, I like to make them count)  But I digress....so actually....most of the conversations I have with my son (except for sex) are actually very intelligent.  My son is a highly intelligent person and we discuss politics, religion, current events.....all that good stuff.  My 20 year old son actually listens to talk radio and will call me to discuss something he heard on the Glenn Beck show.......so yesterday my son calls me from Argentina and says " Mom, I need to ask you a question ".. I kind of kick back and get ready to put my thinking cap on.   I'm thinking:  politics in Argentina?  cultural differences? language immersion? .....something along those lines.......He says: "don't girls ever go to the bathroom, you know...number 2 ? ?"  I'm crying.....I swear I'm crying at my desk writing this and I was laughing so hard on the phone yesterday I was crying.   He says ...Mom, I'm serious....(.I swear I was laughing so hard and crying for at least 3 minutes the people over at the Egg were concerned.  You know that laugh, when you think you can speak and then you just bust out laughing again.) He says Mom, your house has 4 bathrooms so I never really thought about this until now.    Priceless people...just priceless.  Forget politics, forget religion...these are the questions that haunt a man....why don't girls go to the bathroom ?  I love it.  Thats what I'm here for, folks, to put out fires, to answer the tough questions, to be available to my children, even from 7000 miles away.   Man I'm good!  Until next time.....feel free to contact me with any of those questions that haunt you.
AJ

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Now as you all know, I'm kind of consumed by my work on a daily basis and  I don't get out much so I have always proudly wore the the title: "AJ, Last to Know".  Well once again, I'm the last to know.  See, there are 2 separate worlds going on right under our noses.  There is "Single" world and there is "Not Single " world.  Big Difference.  See I've lived in" not single" world for almost 20 years. I've owned this bar since 2005 and had no idea there was a whole other world going on.....indulge me a minute and I shall regale you ......so its UFC night and UFC is the only night shift I bartend.  It's packed, standing room only and I have 4 waitresses working the floor and obviously I'm behind the bar with Jimbo (we rock, by the way).  So some guy walks up to the bar and orders 3 beers.  I wait on him, give him  his change and he kind of lingers there for a minute or two....I say ....did you need something else? ....he says....uh...no and goes back to wherever he's sitting.  Now since I'm just learning how to be single, apparently the linger thing was my opportunity..... to what? talk to him? ask him out? hop over the bar and make out with him?  I really don't know people, I.. really... don't .   But I digress......  ( It wasn't until later that my waitresses informed me the linger was a big deal).  So I casually walk up to Diva, who is standing with all the servers and say, wow, this really hot guy just came up to the bar .....and it begins...all 4 of them....what did he look like? ...what is he wearing? ..is he wearing a hat?   um....well....he was tall..um...wearing a black shirt, like a UFC shirt you know......an Affliction shirt?....AJ, was he wearing an Affliction shirt?.....um,I think so...but isn't every guy in here wearing an Affliction shirt?  They say "table 2, but the guy he's sitting next to in the blue is even hotter and the guy at table 6 smokes em both"......what?  wait...wait..wait a minute here....How the hell do you guys know that?   Do we have GPS on every good looking guy in here?   They are smile and say hell yeah!  I think, no way, how can they know exactly who I'm talking about? there's 200 guys in this room right now....so I sneak a peek at table 2 and sure as shit there he is.....I just bust out laughing.....Damn, all the years I've been here and Ive never got to be a part of the girl network.  See, since I own a Sports Bar and a Biker bar I actually have an honorary Man Card.  I've been part of the guy group for so long I didn't even realize there was a girl group.  So now the girls spread out and make their move....he's sitting next to a blonde girl and the report comes back....AJ, I don't think he's with her, the body language is all wrong...I think she's with the guy on the other side of her.....he's not wearing  a ring......(Its hilarious, totally unbeknownst to this young man, he is now under the microscope by my girls.)  So about 5 minutes later one of them comes back and says "he's 24, AJ,  Seems kind of dumb, forget it"   What ? wait?  I don't even get to decided for myself?  (I'm just learning here folks, but aren't all 24 year old guys supposed to be dumb? ) And so begins the tale of AJ's glimpse into Single Girl World.  I'm not sure if there is a card they give out...I hope I don't have to surrender my Man Card to join.   Of course, they might throw me out before I ever get in when I tell them the guy I was supposed to meet that night was so drunk he wasn't sure he was in Baseline or not but was pretty sure he was in the McDonalds parking lot down the road stripping done to nothing. (I swear he's older than 24)
Until next time.
AJ

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So as you all know, my son left for Argentina Sunday morning. ( If you don't know this, then shame on you, you need to spend more time at Baseline.  Now go sit in the time out corner)  His plane leaves at 9am so I figure we need to arrive  around 7am.  We pull up at the airport, Damian & I get out and I have Diva go park the car.  We walk in and there are about 50 people in line at American Airlines.  No big deal, we can wait....then I notice the self check in says Baggage ok, international flights ok....so I go over and an Attendant says do you have your confirmation number or your credit card?  I say sure...hand her my card, she swipes it and it says Welcome AJ Hunter....I say ...no, I'm not flying, my son is, I just bought the ticket.....so she takes his passport, swipes it and says hmmmmm......this is strange....let me go check something...(this is never good people, its never ever good when someone is holding your ID and says....umm..I'll be right back ..I need to check something)  ...So now Diva has arrived from parking the car....we are waiting, its about 7:30 now and I look at my son and say ..Damian, honey, are you SURE you're flying on American Airlines? ? !  He says  ....Mom, I know what damn airline I'm flying on, of course its American blah blah....and here comes the attendant and what do you think?  Come on ....say it ......you know it......we all know the punch line on this one.........No Damian Hunter is flying on American Airlines.   AAAAHHHHH!.  (the room begins to spin...I 'm having visions.....me strangling my child....security guards pulling me off him) What?  you found the email??  ...You're flying United?  Well of course you are....its 7:45 am and United is in another terminal.  ....Diva! Go get the car!!!  To make a very long story short....yes..we got the child on the plane ( and his f##king $300 worth of luggage,  ....no Mom, there's no extra charge for luggage.....Mom, I need your Amex).  Well I saw him walk through security...so I assume he made it on the plane....of course I assumed he knew which airline he was flying on too.  Sweet Baby Jesus, grant me some patience and some Makers Mark.
Until next time
AJ

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No dull moments people, absolutely no dull moments here at the Baseline.   So, this morning we need to section off a portion of the parking lot for motorcycles.  Need it sectioned off for just about an hour.  So I go to all the trouble to caution tape off about 10 parking spaces DIRECTLY in front of my bar.  Run home, change, come back and someone ripped all thc caution tape down. (Son of a B***).  Now I know exactly who did it,..and ...as I always take the high road I won't name any names (US Egg).  So I grab the caution tape AGAIN head to the parking lot.  Here comes my neighbor "  what are you doing!  you need a permit for that!!! you can't do that!!!........yes, I can, ...I already talked to property management and they ok'd it.  "You need a permit!!! I'm calling the City!!"  Noooo, I don't need a permit see..its a parking lot and I'm just reserving some parking...here...in the parking lot.  (duh)  He's fuming.  He storms away.  Now mind you, every Saturday and Sunday my parking lot is full of his customers.  Do I ever say anything? No.  I figure, no big deal right? I don't need the spaces that early so no biggie.  I could be a bitch...my Penn State Alumni Group usually has to park out back.  And how am I repaid for my generosity?  for my good nature?    Well let me tell you.....so the Bikini Girls are in the parking lot and suddenly this Jeep plows through the caution tape.  Seriously, just no holds barr people, he comes flying through.  It's my neighbor.   Of course it is....he is so pissed that we have taken up 9 spaces in front of MY building, he just took the situation into his own hands.  Now the girls come flying inside " AJ...AJ...jeep...next door...ran thru.....and I really can't hear anything else because I'm just laughing.  Man, I wish I would have known so I could have video taped it.  Priceless, just priceless. Then several people stopped in here after eating at his restaurant to tell us he said if any of his customers came over here, they wouldn't be welcome back there.   I love it.  I really do.  This man does me a favor every time he acts like a horse's ass.  Did I tell you the time he called the police because I was serving breakfast?  Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Tempe Police responded to a call that I was serving breakfast....wonder how that 911 call went?   He hates me.  Why ?  Well I believe in their country women belong barefoot & pregnant & in the kitchen.  Gosh Folks,.....Kinda.. doesn't.... sound... like... me

Until next time, (wait a minute..is that Diva's middle finger in the air?  Where does she get that bad attitude? Certainly not from her mother)
AJ

Missed last rant?  Read on...

So the other day I woke up and just bust out laughing.  Seriously, my eyes opened and I just started laughing.  I think I scared the hell out of my dogs.   My life is so weird right now.  It's like one epiphany after another.  Seriously.  I am one freaking epiphany after another.   So even though I have my daily epiphanies, some things just  escape me.   At this point, I truly feel I know myself better than I ever have and yet apparently there is something about me that really, truly escapes me......are you ready?   Apparently, I'm intimidating.    Yes, swear to God, I'm laughing right now.   Right here at my desk, my kitchen guys think I'm crazy because I'm just cracking up.   I do not see this people.  I do not think I'm intimidating at all, it actually makes me laugh.  Now, the problem here is I want to tell you some great stories but I don't know exactly who is reading this.  I can't change the names to protect the innocent because they will know who I'm talking about.  Let me just give you a very small and safe example.  The other day I'm talking to this guy, ( one of those conversations that go : So how old are you?  .....25, why how old are you?  .......25? ... Did he just say 25? .....sorry was that a two five? .....could you speak into my good ear....I thought you just said twenty five........Jesus Lord, you're a child.....I have t-shirts older than you......I have a dog about your age...........last time I was single he was marching into kindergarten with a Barney backpack.......umm,check please....) and he's talking about his financial trouble......(duh ....you're 25......)   so later I text him:  hey kid, here's an idea:  If you need $why don't you just prostitute yourself out, I will be your pimp/agent.....so he texts back a novel (bless his heart, real pretty to look at but not much upstairs)  .....and then I say (verbatim) "you know, if I'm going to put my good name on this product, really put my seal of approval on this thing, I may need to sample the goods".   Now I think thats hilarious.  I crack myself up.  I was KIDDING people, how can anyone not see that.  What on earth would I want with a 25 year old kid?  (Zip it, Mike.  Save it, Denny, )     But alas, that concluded my torrid texting affair with the young lovely.  I told my son, how come people don't think I have a playful side?  I do have a playful side.  (at this point my son starts choking on his Taco Bell, I'm standing behind him, slapping him on the back and he says, Mom, please don't ever do that to me again)  What ?   I have a playful side.  I'm fun and I'm funny damnit.   He regains his composure and says Mom, I love you, I know you're fun and I think you're funny.  Playful?  No.  Intimidating as hell?  Yes.  Downright scary ?  Probably (well not to me,he says, but from a "guy" point of view, yeah, scary, intimidating, unapproachable, )    I disagree folks.  I completely disagree.  If I was intimidating I would have already had an epiphany about it.   Maybe its just you.       (Maybe its just 25 year olds....ahhhh, so young, so fresh, so innocent., so....well.....you know....
Until next time,
AJ
   Missed last weeks rant?  Read on
 
So I'm getting ready for work.  Typical girl thing, music blaring, makeup everywhere, clothes everywhere, and of course, I'm running late.  Luckily Jimbo is used to my antics on UFC night meanig if AJ says I'll be there at 7 it means 7ish.  So I see Diva for a minute, she runs, literally runs into the house yelling, "I know, I know,I'm on my way to the bar, just need to grab something"  (Diva was scheduled at 6:30, its 7pm).  Damian walks into my room about 2 minutes before I'm ready to go and says, "I'm borrowing your car to go to Burger King" I'm currently blaring "Love Game" by Lady GaGa so I hear blah blah blah Burger King so I wave him off.  So the last thing I have to do is put my boots on.  I reach down to grab my boots and AAAAAAHHHHHHH! You have got to be kidding me, there is a scorpion on my boot.  Just relaxing, tail isn't even curved, he's just napping on my boot.  So I'm screaming, now the dogs are here, I'm trying keep them back and I'm pacing.  Ok, Damian will be back in a minute...but what if it moves?  If I don't kill it now, it will be living somewhere here in my room.....nope.....can't deal with that....where the hell is Damian....ok....you can do this...I grab a paperback book.......walk up to it....nope....not big enough.......I grab a hardback book....ok....ok....just do it....so I slam the hardback book on the scorpion and yes, of course....it keeps moving...I'm screaming.....I'm beating this hardback book.....finally, it's dead......I'm on my hands and knees....I think I'm sweating...I think I'm shaking....and of course I hear behind me "Mom, what are you doing? ?  ?"    Score:  AJ 1  Scorpion 0



Yeah, can you believe it, big sucker too.

Until next time,
AJ
PS get me your email address if you want to be part of my Secret Wednesday Specials.
ajhunter@baselinesportsbar.com
Now as most of you may well know...I do not find small children endearing at all.  They stay away from me and I stay away from them...just some sort of weird understanding I guess....I feel the same way about most women...maybe I should say most young women...no.....let just lump them all together for the sake of argument.   I just get along better with men....I mean if we're going to look for some psychological explanation it could be because I was born in  a GTO....(yeah, great story)  or because I was named Joseph Anthony by my father (figured his first born was gonna be his namesake no matter what.....apparently my mother caught the vital records gal at the last minute to change it...damn! woulda been a cool name...could have used his credit cards....hmmm...but I digress)  so Men as friends are wonderful...no drama....no maintenance...no gossip....(ok...we gossip...John & I gossip about Patrick.......Bryan, Scott & I  gossip about Erik....oh, and I gossip with Mike Barnhart about EVERYTHING....hahaha...he's still emotionally scarred from our last conversation......hello Mr Tangent....can you let me off at the next exit, good Lord....where the hell was I?) ...lets go to the story shall we.?....Saturday night....Just worked the UFC fight....its about 11ish and I decide to go out.  (now there's another story....I'm sitting on the patio...its around 11pm...I'm exhausted...I actually have my eyes closed and I'm smoking a cigarette....I tell Diva who is sitting at the next table..."I'm going home and going to bed".....about 2 seconds later I hear a Harley pull up to my bar....I just start smiling.....Diva says " who just pulled up? ? "....I said " who cares?  looks like I'm going out"...hahahaha)    Where was I ?  oh yeah...bar...women...pain in the ass....ok...I'm back........ So I walk into this bar ...order my drink ....don't even give me  a hard time...you know Mark and I are seeing each other again              ( uh....that would be Makers Mark if you blacked out about a week ago and just came to).    So Mark and I are getting re-aquianted when this girl comes up and says " I love your hair!!!" ....I said "thank you".....she's still standing there.....she says "I fricking love it!!!".....once again..."thank you so much".....shes' still standing right next to me....I said..."can I get you a drink or something?"....she says "what is that on your arm?!....are those glued on?".......(sigh.....did I mention I was exhausted and I just wanted to drink my drink in peace?)...  I say "they are dermals...piercings?..."......she says "WHAT !?! those are fricking AWESOME!!! totally sexy..can I touch them...do they hurt? did they hurt when you got em? how do they do that? did it hurt as much as a tattoo?  you have tattoos right?  can I take a picture of you?  can I take a picture with you....my boyfriend  and I just broke up yesterday...there are noooo good looking guys here.....he's an asshole anyway.....but I might go see him tonite to ...you know...".......breathe AJ...sigh...count to ten....1 mississippi...did I mention she is still standing right next to me?.....I put my hand out and say.."hi, I'm AJ"...She says I'm Brittany and its easy to remember because I have it tramp stamped above my ass...see...and lo and behold folks...its true...up comes the back of the shirt and in all its glory.....yes...the proverbial tramp stamp.....the lovely talkative Brittany has her name written in a very girlie script right above the crack of her ass.......why? ....why ?....why????? ...these are the questions that haunt us my friends....the kind of questions that keep us awake at night.......the answer ??  Hell I have no f**cking idea, I was too afraid to ask....quite frankly I was afraid to say anything for fear that she might never ever ever ever EVER go away.....How do you guys do it?... and why why why for the love of all things Holy do these women always approach ME instead of you guys?   Sigh.....must be my charming personality.....next time I go out, I'm putting a bag over my head.......
Until next time,
AJ

Rumor control folks....time for the little fireside chat I like to call Rumor Control.   Now for some reason there seems to be some big misconception at Baseline Sports Bar that everyone I play shuffleboard with I am sleeping with....hahahaha really?   Seriously?   hahahahah...can we just have a moment of silence for how ridiculous that is.....(Amen).....now as you all well know....I have a few biker friends now.   Hilarious group.  I enjoy hanging out with the bikers every chance I get.  I hang out with the bikers for 1 simple reason....they invite me.    Seriously, at least 2-3 times a week one of the guys will call and say "Man up, AJ, find a ride, we're going drinking".....so.....I go....what else am I going to do?  Enjoy my empty house?  hahahahha....yeah....thats a WHOLE other rant...(can't write what I want to about that because my kids have decided to read my rants....damn!)  People just assume I'm busy so they don't invite me places...either the bikers don't give a shit that I'm busy or they simply don't care. ....So I go out drinking with the boys...(coulda done without Skin Cabaret the other night....went something like this.....picture it....I'm on the back of Texas Bryans bike....70 mph up the 101...Jason, Scott & Kenny are all in the lead....wind blowing my glasses...hair everywhere..and I mean everywhere.....I tap Bryan on the shoulder and pretty much yell..."why are we getting off at McKellips?  BRYAN, WHY ARE WE GETTING OFF AT MCKELLIPS?"...he says "Kenny's in charge"   Now mind you 20 minutes before all the boys were like..."no AJ, we're going to Shotguns...not the titty bar...just drink your damn Jager"......ugh, some friends....but I digress)......now we must address the NEW rumor....apparently in "biker world"  if you are on the back of someones bike you are obviously sleeping with that person...(sigh) really?   Seriously?  Here we go again.......so for someone who ain't gettin any I sure do get around.....hahahaha.....(sigh).....what am I going to do with you people?  Well....lets just take a look see shall we....lets just let the whole world know who's bike I get on and who I play shuffleboard with.....welcome to my "Harem"

Hahahaha...it would take all day to upload the pictures of my "Harem"...By the way... Bryan, Randy & Erik have the double whammy because I play shuffleboard with them AND ride on their bikes......(gasp) ...scandalous.  (can someone grab that red "A" for my chest?  hahaha)
Until next time...

Now I know you all find this hard to believe but I really don't get out all that much....it isn't that I lack friends or social skills its simply that I own a bar so I generally do not want to go to a bar when I leave my bar.  But as you can see if you've been following along....I've been making exceptions.  Lets talk about last night, shall we....grab your coffee...light up a smoke...sit back and indulge me for a moment.    So...after Bike nite here, I decide to go to another bar with a few of my friends....we shall change the names to protect the innocent ...lets just call them ....Hugh, Cliff and Brian (hahaha).   I walk into the bar, order my drink, see a few of my customers there, say my hello's to everyone, buy some drinks for people.  and now I have a drink in my hand and I sit down on the bar stool.  Immediately this woman comes up to me and says "can I share your cigarette?"  I said.."why don't I just give you your own cigarette"....of course she doesn't want her own, she wants mine AND she's pretty darn drunk AND she's kind of a big gal....not tall....ummmmm.......well...her breasts were enormous.....are you following along? Probably 150lbs and maybe 5'2.   Quite forcefully she grabs my knees, spreads my legs and begins dancing for me.  Now folks, there isn't 1 other woman sitting within 20 ft of me....its all guys !!! so why me?  Really?  Seriously?  Now I'm feeling a little uncomfortable because she's dancing for me and trying to do a little groping which I'm doing my best to block...her hands go up...my hands go up....her hands go down....my hands are DOWN.....so I'm just assuming the guys I'm with are going to jump in and save me right?  I would save them...I always save my friends....so I look at them and let me try to explain the look on all their faces.....hmmmm......horror?  yeah thats a good word....you know that grimace you make when you see a compound fracture?  the ol bone through the skin thing?   Yeah....that face....that is the face that Brian, Hugh and Cliff are all making when I look at them.   So I graciously thank the woman, give her a cigarette and pretty much push her away (you go that way now, sweetheart....yeah...over there...look, that guy is calling you...) I look at the boys and they are just catatonic.  They are not ok....it's been 30 seconds and they are still making the face.   I say "Thanks alot you f**ckers, where the hell was the proverbial "cock block" .....Their responses?....AJ, it was so horrible......I was frozen with fear.....I was afraid to move, I thought she might want to dance for me....I'm emotionally scarred now......CHECK PLEASE!.
hahahaha....ok boys....just remember...paybacks are a bitch.
Until next time...

So Saturday night I have a meeting at Robbie Foxes.  My plan?  go there for about 30 minutes, discuss what I need to discuss and leave.  Simple right?  yeah...you all know where I'm going here.  I'm meeting a guy named to Tony to discuss possibly sponsoring a UFC fighter and in return they will promote the bar...blah blah blah.   This meeting is set for 9:30pm.....ok.......10pm...meeting over....good things....well I'm already here so might as well just have 1 Makers Mark right?   Yeah....and so it begins....."look there's the Irish Bartender I have a picture of on my Facebook......hey there's Mike, better go say Hi....hey there's Gus' son, better say hello.....hey I know all the guys in this band.....wait? are they playing my song, oh I gotta dance....."   So I least I have my wits about me enough to call for a ride.  Ride arrives and its time for the drunk girl to leave....I need to tip my bartender, I need to tip him pretty well because I've kinda been his high maintenance customer (can you put my purse behind the bar?  can I have my purse now? can you throw my phone in my purse?  can you dig that phone out now?  where is my phone dammit?! ...AJ, its in your hand....oh..hahahaha.....where are my glasses?......AJ, you're wearing them.)  So I take all the money I have in my wallet and go to the other bar to ask for singles...figure I'm gonna "make it rain" on my bartender.  I have exactly $40 left in my wallet.  That just doesn't seem like enough.   Now I remember asking both Erik and Adam if they had any cash on them, I think I remember them both saying no.  So, I get my singles...I "make it rain" and I leave.  Robbie Foxes....QT for cigarettes....and home.   Sunday morning I get up.....stuff to do....go to Chevron to buy a Starbucks...open my wallet and just stare......hmmmmmm.....ok.....think.......think AJ.............Robbie Foxes...QT...Home.....right?    Robbie Foxes...QT...Home....so...............where the hell did all this money come from?  I have $317 in my wallet.  
No, I don't even want to know
Hahahahaha, until next time......




So if you've been following along, and shame on you if you haven't, I'm supposed to be living alone right now.  Diva "moved out" last week. Well.....lets talk about the whole alleged empty nest thing.  So Monday night I get home about Midnight, kinda excited about my first nite alone...Diva is sleeping in my bed.  Tuesday I get home from work, lay down for 15 minutes, yeah, we've all done it...wake up at 10:30 pm (dammit!!!) and decide to enjoy my "first nite alone" by blasting my music until 2am.  Up at 6am, off to the bar, Diva calls me at 9...."Mom, when are you coming home?"  I said where are you ?  She said "here at the house"...I said when did you get there? She said "Mom, I slept here...you were sleeping at 10pm when I got home so I just went downstairs and watched movies til about 2am".....Seriously people?!  (well, it's kind of a big house)......Yesterday, I have a plan....Will is sitting at the bar and I tell him "at 5:01 I am going home, doing some laundry, cleaning my house a little and going to bed at 7pm!".    Hahahaha, yeah, right, I know...so needless to say when I get home at 10pm from a wonderful dinner party I get a text message from a friend that says " I think I just broke my leg at work tonite".....now, lets back this up.....about 2 hours earlier I get a message from the same friend saying he didn't get a chance to eat because he was so busy at work.   Now as luck would have it...I just got home from a wonderful little dinner party at Chef Doug's house and I have 3 plates of leftovers.....so I said "do you want me to bring you some fabulous food from Chef Doug?"......now folks, at this point I'm actually laying in bed...its about 11pm and he says "well...I don't want to be a bother....If you're already in bed, don't worry about it......blah blah...I say " I'll be there in 15 minutes".  Now one of the things I'm looking forward to about this whole empty nest thing is the fact that my house wont be lit up like Yankee Stadium all the time.  If it's just me then I don't have to leave the lights on for anyone even though my children NEVER turn them off when they get home anyway.... (did I tell you how Diva got busted last time for coming home after her curfew? how I caught her?  great story, ask me sometime)  So since I'm leaving I figure I'll just walk to my kitchen in the dark, grab the food and go.  So....I walk out of my room, its pitch black...I walk through the hallway...yep, still pitch black and normally I'm tripping over all my dogs, but instead all my dogs run to the other side of my table (its a very big table) and I see something move.....  I freeze.....(what the hell could be in my house?  what the hell could be crouched on the other side of my table? why aren't the dogs attacking it?)......This is the beginning of every scary movie right?  you know, when the dumb girl decides to check out whatever it is in the pitch dark and you're yelling at the screen...turn the damn light on.!!! and you're thinking....what kind of dumb ass girl checks out scary sounds by herself  in the dark anyway?!?! So I take 1 step back..hit the lights and I hear...."oh, hi Mom".....its my son.   Yeah.....can we just have a moment of silence for my boiling anger here?   (What the hell are you doing here?.... why are you hiding on the other side of the table!...  What the hell are you thinking!!...Can't you CALL before you saunter into my house unannounced at 11pm!!!)   UGH!!!!!!!  I'm pretty sure no jury would have convicted if I had strangled the child with my bare hands.....I said " I have to run an errand...I'll be back"......he said..."oh...uh...is that food you have there?   oh...are you taking it all?"  .......Some f**cking empty nest huh?
(Sigh) Until next time,
AJ

If for some reason you do not know, Mitchell & I were together for about 17 years.  We went our seperate ways in 2006, quite amicably actually, see...people just tend to grow apart.  What we had in common was raising our kids.  I will never forget sitting at my huge dining room table after dinner one night in early 2006.  When everyone was done eating, they all got up and left ( Mitch, to the shop....kids, out with their friends).  I was sitting there looking around my big house and realized one day the kids would be gone and an overwhelming sadness came over me.  (actually, I was concerned because I thought...what the hell are Mitchell and I going to do when the kids are gone?  We have nothing in common anymore, we hardly ever talk...we are going to be strangers in this big house)  So the next day I told Mike Agne.....what am I going to do when the kids leave?  How will I ever deal with that?...I will miss them so much....and Mike, being typical Mike just bust out laughing and said "AJ....I GUARANTEE, that you are going to love an empty nest".     (this man is always right, how is this man always right?  doesn't matter what the hell I ask him....that's it....I'm taking him to Vegas......)    So yesterday, very casually during dinner it happens.....very subtly it is brought up....goes something like this...."I sure love my job at Baseline, Mom,......everyone is so much fun.....I really love working there....(pause...wait for it....) So, I was wondering......if I were to move out of the house, can I keep my job at the bar?".......And there it is folks....there... it... is.....the last little bird in the nest is ready to go.   I've thought about this day.....I actually worried about it......first Xatia left in February.....then Damian left in March.....now Diva is moving out in June........When Xatia was born, I remember my mother yelling "its a girl!! it's a girl!"....I remember falling asleep with Xatia in my arms and my mother telling me it wasn't a good idea...I remember her carefully and quietly taking Xatia and putting her back in the crib...the second my mother left, I picked her back up and fell back to sleep with her in my arms........I remember calling the hospital when I was 7 months pregnant with Damian and saying "something doesn't feel right"....yep, he was born 2 months early....Damian & I were the only 2 people on the Maternity ward at Tempe St. Lukes on December 2, 1990......I remember every single night before I went to bed when I was pregnant with Diva...Mitch would say...now sweetheart, I want to go to bed now...can you please tell me if you want gummy bears now? McDonalds? Wendys? Jack in the Box?....I would say....what am I ? some kind of pig? Good Lord, go to bed.....(3 hours later...."Mitchell....I need gummy bears"...........now this might be the time to let you know that I only ate the clear and pink gummy bears and Mitch was on a first name basis with all the graveyard checkout ladies at Frys as he stood there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT buying gummy bears and throwing away every color but pink and clear.  To this day, I can't even smell a gummy bear without getting sick.)  And now the last little bird is ready to leave the nest...........(sigh).....so I look at Diva and say......actually this works out great because it's starting to get hot and I wanted to move down to the basement anyway.........(Diva's eyes about pop out of her head)...whoa...whoa...Mom...I'm not leaving forever....whoa...I want to keep my room....I'm only moving out for maybe the summer......wait...Mom........Mom......why do you look so happy?.......
Hahahahah, well folks, looks like its just going to be me and my 6 "Good Children" living at the house (the German Sheperds)...........ahhhhhhh...whatever will I do?  ?   I'm sure I'll think of something.
Until next time

Most of you may not know this but I've been writing AJ's rants for years.  Yes, years.  And until recently, no one ever read them.  Well, with the exception of Mike Agne and Mike No.   So with 2 people actually reading the rants over the past 5 years, I could write whatever I wanted about whoever I wanted, knowing full well that person would never find out what I said. ( then Mike, Mike & I would laugh hysterically about them).   Now things appear to be a little different.  With the invention of social media and email marketing and all that good stuff, people I don't even know read this so I have to be careful...which kind of sucks because lets face it...sometimes people do and say the most idiotic things and it is so fun to write about it. There are just SO many things I want to tell you.  I need to figure out how.  Even if I try to change the names to protect the "innocent", they are going to know I'm talking about them and they are going to be hurt so...here's the deal...you are just going to have to come visit me to hear all the good stuff until I figure this out.  In the meantime, let's talk about some things that are NOT a good idea........3 hours of sleep Thursday before the Golf Tournament...1 hour of sleep the night before.....day before Golf Tournament I ate at 2pm, only meal of the day... day of Golf Tournament....hmmmm, I really don't like beer, I think I'll get a Jack & Diet......wow...that went down smooth....think I'll have another.....driving around with 8 wild and crazy girls, ALL of which I am old enough to be their mother....Hmmmm, there's the Jack Daniels Honey Girl.  I NEVER do shots (you guys know this)...peer pressure from 8 golfers and 8 crazy bikini girls.....well....one can't hurt right? .....pictures......(clothes on)...driving around....hmmmm, can we stop at the clubhouse to get another Jack & Diet......more pictures...clothes on....hey...its the Jack Daniels Honey Girl again......well, what the hell I already did 1, right? whats the harm in 2? ....more pictures....when's the last time I ate?.....yesterday ?  This is where it gets fuzzy, ok, this is where I kinda black out.....(don't you think a black out should involve a pass out?  thats only fair..if you black out you SHOULD pass out) ..call for a ride...get home...where is my truck...who is at my window?....who's bed am I in? (just kidding)....Flash Forward....Sunday morning...hmmm, what is that black stuff on my body?...are there signatures on my body?.......counting my dermals...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, ok..all there...oh boy.....now I'm just looking at my camera.....do I really want to do this?  No..yes...no definitely no...but I have to look at them if I'm going to erase them right?.....here goes...camera on...review......ok...thats ok....oh no...oh hell no....oh Good Lord....I'm too old to behave this way.    Hahahahahahahaha 

Until next time.......go to photos...I put a bunch of the pictures there.
PS.  Today is my Birthday.
AJ

So I go to an event last Saturday.  One of those things for rich people so I have no idea why I'm there.  It's called Casino Capers hosted by the Tempe Diablos.  $80 bucks at the door and all the alcohol is free so I figure I'm way ahead.   So someone is carrying a puppy around, it's a gorgeous little purebred Husky, and I find out it's going to be in the Live Auction.   (no, no , no, it's not what you're thinking, I did not buy a dog).   So right before the Auction starts, I ask the gal carrying her around if she wants a break, she says yes, and now I'm holding the puppy.   So the auction starts about 10pm so this puppy is a little upset, it's been in this room full of lights, noises, and drunks for about 4 hours now.   The Auction begins and the man asks me to get up and walk the puppy around so everyone can see what they are bidding on.  So the puppy goes for 3 grand (rich people, go figure).  I walk over to hand the puppy to the winner and I notice the puppy is panting very hard.   I ask the woman (her husband surprised her by getting this puppy) if she would like for me to take her outside to use the restroom and get some water (the puppy, not the woman).   She barely acknowledges me and says yes, yes with a wave of her hand.   Oooookaaaaay. (once again..rich people…go figure) Now allow me to set the scene here for you, Folks.  It's a "high end" event so I'm dressed up pretty nice.  I am wearing a long dress, drag on the ground kind and a pair of 6" red heels.  So I walk to the only outside area I'm aware of which is the smoking section.  Mind you, this event was at the old Bova store on Rural and Baseline, the smoking section is behind the building and at any given time there are 10-20 people out there.   So I walk outside, (have I mentioned I'm a few Jack and Diets into this night, you know, like 12) and I set the puppy on the ground.   Now as you well know, I have LOTS of experience with puppies.  Lots.   I know exactly what a puppy is going to do  ...it's going to sniff around first, then sniff some more and walk around until it finds a spot to pee.   Simple right....done it a million times.....so I set the puppy on the ground and what the hell do you think happens?????? The puppy full on, no holds barr, top speed takes off running.  Takes…off..RUNNING.  Full speed…. Past the table of smokers, under the ribboned off area, right into the parking lot headed for the apartment complex behind Bova.......holy shit....oh...shit.....so now I'm running too, past the smokers, under the ribbon, through the parking lot towards the apartment complex, all in a long gown and 6" heels...I’m a blur of red & blonde hair....this cannot be happening......someone just paid 3 grand for a dog I lost???? oh hell no....where did she go.....oh..shit....  I see her slip into the apartment complex and as I'm getting ready to run into this dark apartment complex parking lot .....someone says "AJ, quit" and runs past me.    At this point I don't even see the dog........great.....just shoot me....I'm thinking.....ok.....find my ride...and leave right? no one here knows who I am right? ? ? Prove it…I’m thinking, I can just circle around the building and get to the car right?....just leave....ok....ok... that's the plan.....right then, here comes Nick  with the dog. (he's a Tempe Diablo and works for Hensley, that's how I know him).  He's like "what are you doing running in those heels"  Well, the dog was just auctioned off for 3 grand so what else was I going to do........So I regain my compose, take a deep breath...how’s my hair?....ok....ok....everything's ok.....  walk back inside and give the dog to its rightful owner.    I approach  her, hold out the puppy and say "Congratulations"  She looks at me (swear to God) and says " Can you get me glass of wine? Red wine please"  and she looks away............I should have just stolen that puppy.




Diva and I spend ALOT of time together...pretty much all day everyday...we are kind of a package deal...we say quite a few things to each other that perhaps only we would get. We have one particular saying that we tell each other all the time.  As she practically yelled it to me at the bar the other day, I noticed a few of you guys about turned green and realized that maybe everyone doesn't know how this originated...indulge me.....Flash Back...2 years...(yeah, 2 years)...Penn State Saturday, now you all know what this means..packed house....its a beautiful Saturday so I have the big screen set up outside and I'm just sitting outside keeping an eye on everything.  So there's this guy (pretty big guy) New Yorker..accent, attitude and all (calm down New Yorkers, I'm just setting the scene here) and he keeps jumping up and yelling at the big screen  right in front of it.  Everytime there's some play he doesn't agree with he stands right in front of the big screen and starts yelling at it. Now, obviously, with Mr. Big Yelling and Screaming standing directly in front of the TV, the other customers can't see it.  So I walk up to him and say, can you just scoot back a little please? ..you know..so everyone can see the TV?. He looks around and says "oh, sorry, sorry about that".  Not 2 minutes later..here we go again...(I let that one go)...2 minutes later he's up again...I walk up AGAIN and say...could you please......He says oh yeah ...sorry...I tell him "listen, I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you wont stop blocking the TV.  (Now understand he's not cheering because at this point Penn State is losing..when he's in front of that TV he's saying "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CALL WAS THAT!!!??? WHAT THE HELL!!!COME ON PENN STATE!!!WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING!!!!)  I just want you to understand what I'm dealing with here.  Oh, did I mention, the patio is packed AND he has his little daughter with him...about 5 years old.    So once again..some "bad" call by the referees and he's in front of my TV again.  I walk up..I don't even have a chance to say a word...he looks at me and says verbatim:  " you know what...why don't you just BLOW ME".   (Now you have to understand the way he said it..he kind of drew it out...like this...... why...don't ..you..just ...BLOW....ME......hahahahahahaha...swear to God....verbatim).  So I'm facing him...I can't see all the customers behind me but I hear the sound...its the very distinct sound  that a chair makes when you get up so I know probably every guy on the patio just stood up.  And I feel it, someone standing so close to me, they're body is touching my shoulder. I glance over and its Wilson.  I take the guys beer out of the guys hand and say "Get out.".   Now right up until this moment, he has no idea I'm the owner.  So now he says ...whoa ..whoa...I didn't mean that whole blow me thing.....uh...I have my daughter here....my dad is inside...I mean the blow me thing was a joke....I don't have a ride...I'm sorry please don't throw us out...I really didn't mean that whole blow me thing.......I said...I didn't tell your dad or your daughter to leave..but you are leaving right now.   So he kind of puffs up and says....what are you doing to do about it?  YOU are going to throw me out?   I'd like to see that.....now he's smiling...so I put my right hand up over my shoulder and Wilson slaps the phone right into it...I look at him and say......shit, I'm not breaking a nail over you and I hit 9..1..and before I hit the second 1 he says ..ok..ok.ok...If you're going to be a bitch about it...I'm going..this bar sucks anyway......so he starts to walk into the bar...I block him....I said where the hell do you think you're going?....he says my dad's inside !!..I need to get my dad...(now mind you the guy is about 35)  I said....You have 1 second to walk out my gate...he turns around and says...... lets go honey to the adorable 5 year old....now get this...she turns around looks right at me and says...why is my daddy having to leave?  why do we have to be leaving?....so I bend down look right at her and say "your daddy is an.. " ......and 1 f**cking  millisecond before the word asshole comes out of my mouth Wilson gives me a kick in the shins that I remember to this day.   (hahahaha....damn damn damn I miss you Chris Wilson...I know you tell this story in heaven)  So Mr Angry leaves the property with his daughter....goes and sits on the curb in front of Blimpie waiting for a taxi with his middle finger in the air pointing at my bar the whole time.  The whole time.   Priceless people...you know...you need a license to drive...hell you need a license to fish ..but any asshole can procreate.     So the next time you hear Diva say....you know what?  why..don't ..you ..just ..blow..me....well, now you get it.
Until next time,
AJ
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So I had to go to the Rose on Saturday. Big benefit run, expecting 200 bikers.  So first thing I notice is this beautiful woman in my bar.  (now this might not be a big stretch here at Baseline, as we ARE Home of the Baseline Babes, but at the Rose, yeah, its a big deal).  So I introduce myself and take some pictures with here...hey I have to have proof that there was a Hot Chick at the Rose.  So Diva & I have time to kill so I say " Lets go to the Gillespie Bridge & take some pictures".  So we get there and we're goofing off as usual and lo and behold..here comes the Sheriff.  Now I see there is a sign that says "No Loitering on Bridge" but come on...there's NO traffic...hell, there's no one around...and we're not LOITERING, we're taking pictures.  So the Sheriff pulls up to me, rolls his window down and says" you can't be on the bridge".....I say "we're leaving officer"...and he starts to pull away and says (not to my face but as he's driving away)..
"AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!"   I'm thinking...what is he talking about?  I did take my t-shirt off to take a picture but I had my swimming suit top on..its Arizona...how is walking around in a swimsuit top considered walking around without your clothes on?  Anyway, whatever, right?  So we leave.  Flash Forward: 20 minutes back at the Rose and I see the beautiful woman again, I tell her....yeah just took some pictures at the Gillespie Bridge....she's says really? Me too...and she pulls out her phone and lo and behold....lo and f**cking behold there is a picture of her on the Gillespie Bridge (maybe 10 minutes before I got there) with her top off.  Yep, just standing there with no top on.....!!! I said "YOU!!...You are the reason I got yelled at by the Sheriff to keep my clothes on...bitch...I could have been arrested for indecent exposure.....she just starts laughing....(she's f**cking awesome, by the way).  So once again, the Adventures of AJ just keep bringing her closer and closer to being arrested.  Every single one of you is going to pony up $5 bucks to bail me out if I get arrested for indecent    exposure.
Now for some of the Best Text Messages to AJ this week:   "my phone does ring when you call it"....."hey bitch, pull your head out of your ass & call me" (this was from my accountant. hahaha)......1:58am "Some idiot just broke the front door"........"I was in a good mood AJ until you text me "Fuck U"......."Taquito! Think fast!".....verbatim:"sup gorjes, we shud meet up"......"what just happened? I think I just blacked out?" .....  "Dalanie's supposed to tell you that DFW still loves you"..."nice guns, AJ"......"am I at the right place?  there was going to be a BIKE NITE right?  why am I the only one here?"....."this is message is for Mr. AJ Hunter, tell him to call the Witness Protection Agency" ..."I heard you beat up an old lady...is that true?"....."do you have a husband? if not can you send me a dirty picture of you"....."Where's the f**cking Jager!!!!"....
Hands down Best Thing I've heard all Week:   Diva: " I shoulda just lied and said I went out for pancakes at 7:30 in the morning, you never would have known I didn't come home all night...thats what I get for being honest !!!"
Hahahahahahaha,  I love you all,
AJ


So what is it about teenagers that make them think you were never a teenager?  For some reason, children never think of their parents as teenagers.  Quick story....my father was the classiest man on the planet.  Impeccable manners...calm demeanor...I used to tell him he should just record his voice and sell it at "Babys R Us" because it would calm any child to sleep.  I never heard my father raise his voice..not once in my entire life.    So every once in a while on one of my trips to Vegas to visit him, I would get a little Jamesons in him and he would start talking about being in the army in Germany when he was 20.....he would say things like...."the German girls would do anything for American GI's...hahaha.....anything....there was this one time..." then he would realize he was talking to his only daughter and try to change the subject.  I would say...please continue dad...please....( I did finally get most of the stories but it literally took YEARS to get them out of him).  Never ever ever thought of my father as a player but.....apparently in Germany...wow...but I digress.....so my child is currently grounded. 2 weeks, no truck, can't leave the house....why? because she made a bad assumption......yep....they ALL do....they assume that you are not going to be awake at 1 in the morning to see if they show up.    Hahahaha...normally I am asleep but it just so happened that I was awake at 1am on Thursday.   So then she did what every teenager does.....she figured f*ck it....I'm already grounded.....might as well stay out all nite.......yep....we ALL did it......well not me, I was a perfect Catholic school teenager with a 3.8 GPA, all girls Catholic High School.....not little innocent me......    My father used to stand at the microwave and if it was 1 minute past your curfew.  1 MINUTE.....1 F**CKING MINUTE.....he would just look at you...shake his head...and not say 1 word....not 1 word but you just knew.   Sometimes the lock would stick on the deadbolt and you'd be standing outside in the snow...your fingers shaking because its freezing out......wearing a miniskirt and high heels......trying to get that key in the deadbolt and ....shit....I dropped the key....nooooo...wait...key in....not turning.......AHHHHHHH!!!! rushing into the kitchen and its 1 minute past curfew...he heard me on the doorstep....he heard me trying to get that f**cking key in the f**cking bolt.....but noooooo, AJ's grounded.  I swear he rigged that deadbolt.  I swear he went to bed laughing everytime that stupid deadbolt would stick.  So until next time.........let me share the funniest damn thing that happened yesterday....Diva & I leave the movie theater and I say...lets go into Rubios..I need a Diet Coke....so we walk up to the counter and "say can we get 2 large drinks" (see....follow along...this is VERY important.....they don't actually pour your drink...they hand you the cup...you pour your own....ok?....got it?...) So the guy puts the 2 cups on the counter...looks right at me and says "will this be for here or to go?"......now I'm stumped.....I look at the cups on the counter and the kid is looking at me waiting for a response...I say....well.....both...I guess....and that's it.....I look at Diva and she's standing in the corner literally crying she is laughing so hard...so now I can't look at her but I can see her in my peripheral vision and shes shaking shes's laughing so hard, I'm now crying because I'm laughing so hard and I just cannot make eye contact with this guys as I'm deperately trying to get 3 bucks out of my purse as tears are running down my face...then you know better...you ABSOLUTELY cannot look at the person who is laughing....I'm trying so hard to hold it together as Diva is hunched over crying....I just throw 4 bucks at the kid and walk away......we laughed for an hour.....my stomach hurt ...it was priceless...absolutely priceless....I'm crying at my desk right now just remembering it.......hilarious.....
Until next time,
AJ



So Diva & I have a Saturday Tradition...we go to Garage sales.  Little different this time as I did this without a hangover ....yep...I actually went to bed at 9pm on Friday.....really, I did...but it gets even weirder....at 10pm I heard my front door open and I'm thinking WTF?   Who the hell is walking into my house?  Diva is the only other person that lives here and no way she'd be home at 10pm on a friday.....so my bedroom door flings open....Diva throws herself on my bed and says " I hate my friends....why do I even hang out with these people? ....they piss me off......wait....what are you doing in bed on Friday at 10pm? ? ? (my children, so observant)...So 6:46am and Diva and I are out and about.  Blaring music, smoking Marlboros, drinking Starbucks and nothing too interesting at any Garage sale.  We just aren't feeling it, you know,.....so we pass by this park, maybe it was a school and I tell Diva..."you should just drive your truck right thru the goal right there"   Now folks, apparently I was experiencing some lapse of reason...maybe I actually NEED some leftover Makers Mark in my brain on a Saturday or perhaps I just flat out forgot who I was talking to because Diva busts out laughing and up on the curb we go and she hauls ass right into the middle of the park......wait...!!!  whoa...!!!   we are going to be arrested.....!!! we are sooooo going to jail....let me out, I gotta get a picture.....hahahahaha......wow, now what?  how do we top that?......Hmmmmm....lets go hop the curb at Baseline and scare all the people at the Egg.    (hahahahaha, single sober girls are f*cking dangerous)
.
Until next time Folks, remember, when you see Black Beauty coming at you with the single sober Vixens, just get the hell out of the way.  Now allow me to share some fabulous things I've heard this week.......Diva: "Mike would you like a carrot"  "No Diva, I'd rather die"  ....."AJ, is that Jamesons tattoo a lick off?.......maybe, why? you want to lick it off? ........sure, but its in the wrong place....(hahaha my Gemini friend cracks me up)........."I don't have to pay a cover, I just had sex with the owner 2 days ago" (this almost landed Shawn in the ER when he didn't realize he said this to my daughter, in case you don't know, Diva is my bouncer, bodyguard and Junkyard Rottweiler, Diva is a scrapper that will just punch you first and ask questions later...hahaha)   Tim: "hey AJ, I mean, four eyes, with your fake glasses, why don't you come back to shuffleboard when you find your A game" ........  Harrington: "Hunter, grab me the 9/16 and get your ass under this truck" .......  Dean: "Can I have your chicken"   Strauss: " I just read your rants, we need to talk".........."is that a real tattoo?"....Is your name Jameson?..........Is your boyfriends name Jameson? ......what is Jameson?  (really???) ......Is your name:  Adrian?   Angela?  Apache Junction?   .....Best Text :  ""do you mind riding in an old Bronco with no top...the Bronco, not you...well, hopefully you"  
Hahahaha, you guys kill me.  
AJ

Now here's something women love to hear:  "Hey AJ, I've already asked everyone else and they all said no but is there any way you want to go to the Improv tonite?   "Wow, Jimbo, you're one hell of a charmer...with an intro like that, how can I say no?"   And so it began....AJ's Adventure on Mill Ave, Friday nite.
Captains Log:  Stardate, Friday April 22
Jimbo says:  hey can we go to a few of my accounts down on Mill?  I want to introduce you to my customers.  Sounds harmless enough right ?  ?    Riiiiight......about 47 Makers Marks later, pictures with everyone and anyone who will pose with me (that would be everyone) ...about 30 glow sticks on my arm......phone #'s from people whom I have no idea why I have their #.....Dancing with Dan.....when did Dan get here?......Where is Jimbo ?........Adam putting me in a cab....getting out of the cab at Baseline....Jimbo walking up and saying " AJ, please stay single.....you're the most fun person to hang out with"   Yeah, Yeah.....thats what I'm here for folks...to entertain you.
Stardate:  Saturday April 23
9am...Look, its my bed...finally.....just want to get in my bed.    Diva:  "oh hell no, get in the car, we're going garage selling"
9:15am   2 Starbucks and 5 cigarettes later I'm practically begging:  "Please Diva....I don't want to drive around anymore...please...I just need to go to bed"
9:30 am.     Laying in my bed....decide to look at my phone........oh...shit....not again.  

Until next time Folks, does anyone want to take me to Mill Ave this Friday ?  Hahahahahaha
AJ



Some of the funniest things I've heard this week:
"Hey Denny, guess what?  I'm the prize for Hole in One for the Golf Tournament"  "Wow, so thats 2 holes in one for whoever wins"
Conversation with Frogger:   "AJ, I did more push ups than Shawn one day"  "Army Shawn?  We're talking about Army Shawn here Frogger"  "Yeah, Yeah, Army Shawn, right here in your bar too, we just dropped down and did push ups"  "Well, how many did you do? "  "10"
Conversation with Shawn:  "So rumor has it Frogger did more push ups than you, right here in my bar"   "hahahahaha  maybe I just let him do push ups and told him he won"
Andrew:  "AJ, can you change the radio station, one more suicide song and I'm going to hang myself over here"
Conversation with Lyle:  " I saved my fortune for you, where is it...oh shit, I left it in my other purse"  " You have another purse?" Hahahaha....men! 
Randall knocking my 3 pointer off the table : "take that BITCH !!"
Dan after I knocked both his 3 pointers off the table: "IMPOSSIBLE!!....!F**CKING IMPOSSIBLE"
Harrington" "Hunter, do you realize you only call me on Thursdays?"
Is your real name Angela?  Amelia?  Angelina? Arianna?  Amy?  Amanda?   (Best so far...Aunt Jemima....wait wait...I think All Juicy was a close second)
"AJ, can you put the Phillies on?   They're a baseball team" ... " I never knew you had blue eyes" .... " hey, I think your boyfriend just friend requested Dalanie...(what Remy LeBeau has a Facebook, I'm hurt)... "What is Makers Mark?" .... "Can I borrow your panties for 5 minutes"....  "What is Diva's real name?"  .... "Hey X, how you been? (really? )" ...."is your Son still in the Army?"..... "Do you drive the Hummer out there?" ....  "Do you work here?" ....   "Are you having a golf tournament?"  .... "Do you have ESPN?" ..... "Are you moonlighting at Christies?".....    "Is that a real diamond?" .... " Do you have Dos XX?  Its a beer" ....   " I never knew you had green eyes" 
Man I love you guys, you all keep me laughing,
Until next time,
AJ


Girls Day off, Wednesday April 13, 2011
Captains log Stardate: above
The mall, new artwork on our nails, trying on Super Sexy Shoes (buying Super Sexy Shoes, I know I know, I'll never wear them...hmmm silver or gold?  For $20 bucks, hell I'll get them both)    Edible shimmer powder? I tell Diva...I wonder if its yummy, she says yes, it is (no I do not want to know how she knows this.)   Hmmmmm....ok I'll buy it. (when I have a boyfriend, I am going to rock his world....did I just say that out loud?) Super Sexy Schoolteacher glasses.
Yep, thats my Wednesday.  Hanging out with Diva from 6am to 10 pm.   Actually there was alot more but thats another story.......(goes like this....Diva..can you see through this shirt?   no Mom, looks fine.....2 hours into dinner....2 HOURS at the restaurant Diva says....I think I was wrong about the whole see thru your shirt thing......WHAT !!!!!!!
Until next time,
AJ
 

So I had to leave my car at Baseline last nite.  Not that I had too much to drink, mind you, (I did) but because my wonderful child (sort of) called and said " you sound sauced, I'm on my way."  Now purely hypothetically, had I had too much to drink I wouldn't have been concerned about how I was going to get back here in the morning.  But I think I was concerned about it last nite...I think...what happened last nite ....oh yeah...Adam and I smoked EVERONE we played shuffleboard with (does it make you a pedophile to play shuffleboard with a 23 year old?  OMG, I'm a pedophile....but I digress...) So the lovely Diva says, don't worry about your car, I'll bring you back in the morning.  Riiiight.....like Diva is going to be awake at 5am.  (why the hell was I awake at 5am?  Oh yeah, somebody who f**ing blew me off last nite sent me a wonderful : Good Morning AJ at 4:41am......but I'm not bitter....did the gangbangers I sent to beat you up find you this morning?)   Where was I ?   Ummm....Diva....ride.....Yeah, I got it.   So I walk downstairs at 5am and sure as shit Diva wakes up and off we go.  Now every morning I have to stop at Chevron to get my Starbucks.  (Starbucks and Cigarettes, Breakfast of Champions, baby).  Diva & I are the only ones in there at first and then a guy walks in with a gas can.  He almost walks right into me as I'm walking out and he's walking in but he's looking down.  So I say pardon me and he looks up and we make eye contact.  Now its 5am so there are only 2 cars at Chevron:  Divas big black truck and whatever he's driving, right?  So Divas monstrosity of a truck is lifted so I can't see around it until I'm already walking to the passenger door and thats when I see it.  The other car...the only other car there.....how do I even describe this?    Ummm, let me put it as plainly as possibly.  This vehicle clearly belongs to a Homicidal maniac.  No two ways about it folks, this vehicle is downright scary.   Picture an old Lincoln, completely blacked out windows and it looks like its been painted with a paintbrush, greyish, white-ish, silver-ish......oh, I have got to get a picture...hurry up...wake up iphone....wrong button....not camera roll....camera! uhhh...ok...ok..here we go..I turn around with the camera and Mr. Homicidal Maniac is looking right at me.  Now seriously....how do you even play this off ?? Its 5am in the Chevron parking lot...what the hell else could I be taking a picture of ?  the gas pump?  the trash can ?  and we make eye contact again.  But this time I see him in a whole different light.   (Well, good morning Mr. Ted Bundy, please don't kill me, I have a small hangover from drinking rot gut Jim Beam but I swear I wasn't making fun of your super creepy " seen in every scary movie" car.  )   Take Diva...don't take me.   (I'm kidding people...on the take Diva thing not on the Ted Bundy thing).   So needless to say...I didn't get a picture.   So these are the adventures of "I left my car at the bar last night"   I'm sure there will be a Chapter 2.
Until next time,
AJ

I'm here for my children, as you all know.  No matter what they need, I'm always right there.  It is so strange to enjoy them as "adults" (well, I'm using that term very loosely here).  My children talk to me about everything in their lives, things I want to know and things I most certainly do NOT want to know.  I listen...I try to sort of hum in my head to get past all the sex stuff but I listen anyway.  By the way...if you've ever dated one of my kids...I know everything about you AND I've probably seen the pictures.   (and if you've dated me, you know, all 2 of you, then trust me, Diva knows everything about you.  Damian, not so much, as he likes to tell me things for an hour then I try to tell him 1 thing and he says "Mom, quit, you're grossing me out!.....hey, if I only get 1 comment, I like to make them count)  But I digress....so actually....most of the conversations I have with my son (except for sex) are actually very intelligent.  My son is a highly intelligent person and we discuss politics, religion, current events.....all that good stuff.  My 20 year old son actually listens to talk radio and will call me to discuss something he heard on the Glenn Beck show.......so yesterday my son calls me from Argentina and says " Mom, I need to ask you a question ".. I kind of kick back and get ready to put my thinking cap on.   I'm thinking:  politics in Argentina?  cultural differences? language immersion? .....something along those lines.......He says: "don't girls ever go to the bathroom, you know...number 2 ? ?"  I'm crying.....I swear I'm crying at my desk writing this and I was laughing so hard on the phone yesterday I was crying.   He says ...Mom, I'm serious....(.I swear I was laughing so hard and crying for at least 3 minutes the people over at the Egg were concerned.  You know that laugh, when you think you can speak and then you just bust out laughing again.) He says Mom, your house has 4 bathrooms so I never really thought about this until now.    Priceless people...just priceless.  Forget politics, forget religion...these are the questions that haunt a man....why don't girls go to the bathroom ?  I love it.  Thats what I'm here for, folks, to put out fires, to answer the tough questions, to be available to my children, even from 7000 miles away.   Man I'm good!  Until next time.....feel free to contact me with any of those questions that haunt you.
AJ

 

So as you all know, my son left for Argentina Sunday morning. ( If you don't know this, then shame on you, you need to spend more time at Baseline.  Now go sit in the time out corner)  His plane leaves at 9am so I figure we need to arrive  around 7am.  We pull up at the airport, Damian & I get out and I have Diva go park the car.  We walk in and there are about 50 people in line at American Airlines.  No big deal, we can wait....then I notice the self check in says Baggage ok, international flights ok....so I go over and an Attendant says do you have your confirmation number or your credit card?  I say sure...hand her my card, she swipes it and it says Welcome AJ Hunter....I say ...no, I'm not flying, my son is, I just bought the ticket.....so she takes his passport, swipes it and says hmmmmm......this is strange....let me go check something...(this is never good people, its never ever good when someone is holding your ID and says....umm..I'll be right back ..I need to check something)  ...So now Diva has arrived from parking the car....we are waiting, its about 7:30 now and I look at my son and say ..Damian, honey, are you SURE you're flying on American Airlines? ? !  He says  ....Mom, I know what damn airline I'm flying on, of course its American blah blah....and here comes the attendant and what do you think?  Come on ....say it ......you know it......we all know the punch line on this one.........No Damian Hunter is flying on American Airlines.   AAAAHHHHH!.  (the room begins to spin...I 'm having visions.....me strangling my child....security guards pulling me off him) What?  you found the email??  ...You're flying United?  Well of course you are....its 7:45 am and United is in another terminal.  ....Diva! Go get the car!!!  To make a very long story short....yes..we got the child on the plane ( and his f##king $300 worth of luggage,  ....no Mom, there's no extra charge for luggage.....Mom, I need your Amex).  Well I saw him walk through security...so I assume he made it on the plane....of course I assumed he knew which airline he was flying on too.  Sweet Baby Jesus, grant me some patience and some Makers Mark.
Until next time
AJ

Missed last Rant?  Read on...

No dull moments people, absolutely no dull moments here at the Baseline.   So, this morning we need to section off a portion of the parking lot for motorcycles.  Need it sectioned off for just about an hour.  So I go to all the trouble to caution tape off about 10 parking spaces DIRECTLY in front of my bar.  Run home, change, come back and someone ripped all thc caution tape down. (Son of a B***).  Now I know exactly who did it,..and ...as I always take the high road I won't name any names (US Egg).  So I grab the caution tape AGAIN head to the parking lot.  Here comes my neighbor "  what are you doing!  you need a permit for that!!! you can't do that!!!........yes, I can, ...I already talked to property management and they ok'd it.  "You need a permit!!! I'm calling the City!!"  Noooo, I don't need a permit see..its a parking lot and I'm just reserving some parking...here...in the parking lot.  (duh)  He's fuming.  He storms away.  Now mind you, every Saturday and Sunday my parking lot is full of his customers.  Do I ever say anything? No.  I figure, no big deal right? I don't need the spaces that early so no biggie.  I could be a bitch...my Penn State Alumni Group usually has to park out back.  And how am I repaid for my generosity?  for my good nature?    Well let me tell you.....so the Bikini Girls are in the parking lot and suddenly this Jeep plows through the caution tape.  Seriously, just no holds barr people, he comes flying through.  It's my neighbor.   Of course it is....he is so pissed that we have taken up 9 spaces in front of MY building, he just took the situation into his own hands.  Now the girls come flying inside " AJ...AJ...jeep...next door...ran thru.....and I really can't hear anything else because I'm just laughing.  Man, I wish I would have known so I could have video taped it.  Priceless, just priceless. Then several people stopped in here after eating at his restaurant to tell us he said if any of his customers came over here, they wouldn't be welcome back there.   I love it.  I really do.  This man does me a favor every time he acts like a horse's ass.  Did I tell you the time he called the police because I was serving breakfast?  Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Tempe Police responded to a call that I was serving breakfast....wonder how that 911 call went?   He hates me.  Why ?  Well I believe in their country women belong barefoot & pregnant & in the kitchen.  Gosh Folks,.....Kinda.. doesn't.... sound... like... me

Until next time, (wait a minute..is that Diva's middle finger in the air?  Where does she get that bad attitude? Certainly not from her mother)
AJ


   Missed last weeks rant?  Read on
 
So I'm getting ready for work.  Typical girl thing, music blaring, makeup everywhere, clothes everywhere, and of course, I'm running late.  Luckily Jimbo is used to my antics on UFC night meanig if AJ says I'll be there at 7 it means 7ish.  So I see Diva for a minute, she runs, literally runs into the house yelling, "I know, I know,I'm on my way to the bar, just need to grab something"  (Diva was scheduled at 6:30, its 7pm).  Damian walks into my room about 2 minutes before I'm ready to go and says, "I'm borrowing your car to go to Burger King" I'm currently blaring "Love Game" by Lady GaGa so I hear blah blah blah Burger King so I wave him off.  So the last thing I have to do is put my boots on.  I reach down to grab my boots and AAAAAAHHHHHHH! You have got to be kidding me, there is a scorpion on my boot.  Just relaxing, tail isn't even curved, he's just napping on my boot.  So I'm screaming, now the dogs are here, I'm trying keep them back and I'm pacing.  Ok, Damian will be back in a minute...but what if it moves?  If I don't kill it now, it will be living somewhere here in my room.....nope.....can't deal with that....where the hell is Damian....ok....you can do this...I grab a paperback book.......walk up to it....nope....not big enough.......I grab a hardback book....ok....ok....just do it....so I slam the hardback book on the scorpion and yes, of course....it keeps moving...I'm screaming.....I'm beating this hardback book.....finally, it's dead......I'm on my hands and knees....I think I'm sweating...I think I'm shaking....and of course I hear behind me "Mom, what are you doing? ?  ?"    Score:  AJ 1  Scorpion 0

Yeah, can you believe it, big sucker too.

Until next time,
AJ
PS get me your email address if you want to be part of my Secret Wednesday Specials.
ajhunter@baselinesportsbar.com
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